我的日记

20th Century Boys

2008-10-23T23:02:00.002+08:00

ok i was just messing around with the last post.

anyways, for those who were wondering...actually, i dont think anyone wondered, but ima explain anyways.

4/10 and 5/10 i was bz, cousin's wedding and da jie's wedding respectively. i am officially called the yum seng man after da jie's wedding, coz i was the chinese emcee and my YUM SENG sent tremors through the entire hall. i think i cheated a little, coz i was close to the podium, and the podium mic was on. but meh, loud enuff to make everyone shocked.

afterwhich, MY MOM WENT CHINA! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. SO...FREEEEEDOOOOOM....
yeah, went out EVERYDAY and come home late until i totally pok gai...

and i juz came back from a 4D3N trip to JB. shiok.

anyways.

this post is important, coz ima dedicate it to my favourite manga story of all time, and i think everyone who wants to watch the movie shld read this.

ok.

20th century boys by Naoki Urasawa (dunno how to spell, i think its like that, and no, im not checking wiki). its one of my favourite manga storyline of all time (20th century boys > death note). coz it kept me wondering and thinking continuously...its mystery was like...u have to piece all evidences together, yet the things presented to you arent complete. so, unless u are like fucking smart (and yes i mean fucking fucking fucking smart), u wouldnt know what is happening unless u follow the progression of the show.

confusing?

i think i shld explain via this way. i was at the manga shop years ago, looking for something new to read. back then, the manga shop was run by 4 peeps, and one of the peeps, fat andy iirc, told me about this 20th century boys. there were only 2-3 books published, but he managed to explain the story to me. i was intrigued, so i bought all 3 books and went home to read.

my conclusion: if fat andy didnt mention anything to me, i would have thought that this story is fucking complicated and i dont know wtf this shit was talking about. EVERYTHING kept me in suspense without any explanation.

anyways, the drawing is shitty, so as much as i tried telling my friends its a good manga, VERY little ppl appreciated it. HOWEVER, ppl who read the author's previous works (ie. MONSTER) shld know that the story really r0x.

so, what ima going say next may be a spoiler for ppl who are interested in the show. ppl who know me know that im not a spoiler, if they want to know what happened, i'll usually reply "watch it liao then you know". but for this case, i do feel obligated to explain.

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20th century boys is about a group of nine normal working adults. these adults grew up and played together, but the cruelty of society split them apart, thus they stopped contacting each other, until a primary school get-together.

the nine of them realised that some ppl were mysteriously disappearing, and their disappearance had something to do with a cult. after much deliberation, they realise that the works of this cult were something that these 9 adults fantasized of when they were kids.

the thing was, the cult was using their idea to destory the world.

and they had to put a stop to it.

plucking up their courage (remember, they are NORMAL working adults), they decided to stop the cult once and for all.

unknown to them, the leader of the cult, friend (tomodachi), is one of them. and, friend has planned to use them...for another cause.

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ok thats pretty much the story.

a few things to note:

1. EVERYTHING in the show happens for a reason. EVERY small action, movement, thought, speech has a reason to it. so do try to remember the details. oh yeah, as i mentioned, even if u observed everything, you wont be able to conclude unless you follow the progress of the show. but still, EVERYTHING is important.

2. with respect to point 1, ima giving an example. one of the scene starts with the store assistant playing "guess which had the biscuit is in" with baby kanna, and the store assistant said that kanna guessed correctly 5/5 times (i remember manga she guessed around 12 times, all correct). this actually implies something ^_^.

3. a lot of scenes REALLY look like the manga. to the extent of which i really think they purposely found ppl who looked like the characters to act. the frog guy, the spectacled guy (yoshi something) and the guy who was dying inside the tent of kami-sama's friend. ALL LOOKED LIKE THE MANGA!

4. oh, take note of KAMI-SAMA's bowling nonsense. it REALLY means something. and yeah, kami-sama can really foresee the future in his dreams.

5. the only thing i didnt like about the show was the introduction of manjunbo. he plays a huge part, but was introduced abruptly. well, i did miss the start of the show, prolly 2-5 mins...but i dont think that part would have had a proper intro for manjunbo.

6. *HUGE SPOILER* if you want to know who tomodachi is...there is a scene before the final showdown where a picture of the heroes were taken. go figure it out yourself.

7. finally, this show is a 3 part show. and the movie up till now only showed 2-3 books of the manga. (the manga is like 21 books plus a part 2 of 2 books called 21st century boy). thus, my bet is that they will take out a lot of stuff in the future episodes. nevertheless, i do look forward to the future episodes.

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PS. i was telling my sis and her fiance about the show, and zhiming replied "yeah, i heard from my friend that it is nice, but VERY confusing. he only understood what happened when he went home to read wiki. well, im telling u, dont read wiki, coz its too summarised. go www.onemanga.com to read the story ^_^

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not much funny conversations, but ima try....

happened at starbucks in central mall. caecilia, phylis and say chuan were talking, while i was talking nonsense with eric, luis and su-ann.

eric, knowing that my mom is already in china and that i was going to the airport later after the meeting, asked: "eh kang wei, so your mom coming back fro'china? (from china, do read it aloud if u want to understand the next part)".

me (understanding the question, but chose to repeat what he asked in a different manner): "huh? u ask me if my mom coming back vagina?"

su-ann glances me from the corner of her eye with a HUGE wtf look.

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ok i cant remember other crap...

oh, finally, to wrap it up, a piece of VERY SAD news. my favourite teochew porridge opposite serangoon stadium is closing on sunday. the uncle is retiring. sad....i've made plans with junyi to go eat again on sat and sun! muahahahhaa.

updated!

2008-10-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

yo!

this is for eric.

i updated my freaking blog!

lolkthnxbai

FKN GRATZ BOON!

2008-10-03T22:39:00.003+08:00

FKN CONGRATZ BOON!

He put up his music tracks on stompy under dustpan records, and has broken into the top 100 downloads! this really means a lot man. he is gonna get recognised soon! i'll be glad to have a famous celebrity as a friend! muahahahahaha!

seriously, gratz boon. i know u have worked hard for your music, and this is just the first sign of your efforts paying off. i do hope that you reach the top of the charts soon, and get recognised for your efforts. and i do hope your IR dream will come true.

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enough of the good news. i have been a fucking noob. i published some stuff online that was not meant for anyone, failing to realise that ppl could still gain access to it. anyways, i have taken it down for good =) fucking kang wei fucking noob.

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heres another dmc song, a really catchy one.

especially the "RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE" part.

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heres my next attempt at introducing american humour to my friends.

i recently obtained a version of Chris Rock's newest standup comedy, and i have to say, it is fkn hilarious! hong kong's 黃子華 pales in comparison to Chris Rock. while i was watching 黃子華's standup show a few weeks back, i understood most of the jokes, but none of them made me ROFLMAOCOPTER. at one point of time he even admitted that up to the intermission, most ppl might be hoping for funnier acts by him. of course, he did step up his show, and i did LOL'ed, but never ROFLMAOCOPTER.

after watching Chris Rock, i think i ROFLMAOCOPTER'ed at least six times. even with Eric telling me one of the jokes beforehand did not stop me from ROFLMAOCOPTERing at Chris Rock's version. It was totally hilarious.

i do believe the main difference was that for hong kong, freedom of speech does not come so easily, whereas for USA, they can say anything and everything. this resulted in 黃子華 telling jokes about the general public and happenings around hong kong, while Chris Rock focused on racism, presidency and sex.

general issues and happenings totally pale in comparison to racism, presidency and sex.

an excerpt from Chris Rock's standup that i can remember offhand:

"Is America ready for a black president? we should be. we've just had a retarded one."

i LOL'ed quite hard hahaha.
well, in any case, if anyone has seen George Bush Jr's speeches and spoofs, yeah, he is the retarded one. he really talks like he cant speak properly at times. and most of his speeches dont make sense at all. "I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully". i mean, wtf? sofa king wee tor did.

so, to all my friends, american humour is really good. so, if u do understand, please do take a look at chris rock's stand-ups. oh, and dave chappelle too.

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the following conversation happened on 02/10/2008:
(not 100% accurate of course)

Da jie: eh Chris later u cannot listen to Kang Wei and Ee-laine rehearse. top secret.

Chris: y not? if u can eat together with me on this table means there should be no secrets! if not, u shldnt be eating with us!

Me: ok lor. no secret. i tell u. we are gonna sabo you on sunday. ok, i told u the top secret. of course, im not telling you how we're gonna sabo you.

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the following conversation happened today:

Me: what the fuck sia. u treat me lunch liao i treat u soya bean la fuck.

Boon: eh kang wei i think you should limit your usage of profanities.

Me: what the fuck? of course im limiting my profanities. i only used ONE profanity, that is the word "fuck". be glad i never use chee bye or lan jiao. fuck la u fucking fuck.

(girl in front of me in the queue turns around and gives me a wtf look).

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attention seeking =) thank you everyone!

2008-10-01T01:28:00.005+08:00

well, i've always thought that blogging and advertising ur blog was kinda like attention seeking.

and yeah, i've been bored, so i felt that i wanted some attention, thus i returned to blogging.

kidding. haha. its actually a feeble attempt to keep my mind working while not working.

anyways, thanks for giving me ur attention. and im shocked! hong jia told me he wasted 3 hours reading my blog. well, i least expected that...didnt think anyone would be so jia ba liao to go read the past entries. well, as much as i dare to let ppl know, im still quite shy la...so at least for now, i've changed the format so u only see some of the new posts. if u want to read the past entries, go click on it urself.

and yeah, im surprised. he only spent 3 hrs. i thought i had written a lot =(

and to those who gave me ur attention, heres ur present. im not too sure if u find it funny, but its an excerpt of my conversation with boon.

me : so u went out yesterday?
boon : yeah, to sentosa.
me : eh wait. i need to tell u something. i registered on facebook, and i added u. but i wont be using it coz it cant let me use my nick so i dont like it.
boon : ok. actually i comb this way on purpose, to make myself look more matured.

moment of silence

me : well done! we both are good at changing topics!
boon : yeah! its like im asking u have u eaten dinner and you replying that u have yet to pcc.
me : YO WTF!

ROFLMAOCOPTER

ok, i hope that entertained you guys.

oh yeah, im quite sad when i tell jokes that have american content inside, and ppl dont understand. nevertheless, im gonna try attempt to spread an american joke again. heres something by dave chappelle. it will prolly be taken down soon, so enjoy while u can.

oh yeah, im hooked to Detroit Metal City. omg im so gonna learn how to sing satsugai. and they have a few relatively catchy songs too =) yeah, i managed to get the songs from some secret source.

well well...
boon, i think u wont be bothered to find the lyrics, so for the below is for you. yeah, the lyrics of the songs of 鍾嘉欣 aka 常在心 aka 于素秋

01.一人晚餐 (canto version of 孤單北半球)

作曲：方文良
填詞：張美賢
編曲：RICHARD YUEN
監製：RICHARD YUEN / 杜自持

外面是日曬你卻講晚安
滴著汗構想雪中境況
當我在辦公室很忙
或你在渴睡已經倒在床
未絕望就算各散於兩方
月亮在晚空同樣升降
將這電郵輸送留心看
若果要說盡我的掛牽恐怕談天光
就算一人晚餐一人望海我會習慣
兩人座駕縱沒旁人我懂欣賞孤與單
就算深宵失眠寂寞瀰漫有些冰冷
尋到心中所愛從未多心想再揀
就算一人上班一人候車偶爾自歎
我仍學會假日陪同友好傾通宵買衫 (似當初貪玩)
就算相戀艱難日夜緩慢世間很冷
回憶不敢偷懶留守到尾不見從不散 (來生你我都再難失散)

02.火柴天堂 (yes, the canto version of 熊天平's)

作曲：熊天逸
填詞：張美賢
編曲：杜自持
監製：杜自持

街邊積雪漫長夜冰凍
手中點了火柴做美夢
一邊感覺凍一邊感覺痛
想要抱擁伸手總撲空
深宵得我在期望溫暖
一彎即斷火柴這麼短
一邊心抱怨一邊心裡算
走了再走走不到樂園
誰可給我一個幻覺
燃燒一個一個盼望並未太多
誰可(可否)收買心裡落泊
奇跡敢去相信然後就快樂 (還是很快樂)
其實我都害怕冰天雪地這樣冷漠這樣漫長
滴滴答答下雨的晚上
點了火柴才可找回曾經有過勇氣有過希冀
活著但願活到很漂亮
其實我不用怕孤單上路會又跌下會又著涼
伴著夢著愉快的印象
心裡天堂仍可找回童話有你愛我有你親我
未懼路上又有風與浪
留住美麗人生的客房
期待你又回家聽我講 (期待你又回家共對望)

btw, kurobata pork is good. went to jalan bukit merah to try out cheap foie gras at Cilantro Modern Asia, located in a kopi tiam. went there and then the lady boss told us (eric and i) that NEA disallowed. wah sibeh sad. but i had my eyes on the kurobata pork rather than wagyu beef le. prices quite cheap la, food not bad. japanese style. but i'd still prefer the bedok kurobata pork any day.

and yeah, for your info, there will be a new cafe opening at anchorvale cc. sells fresh beer! imagine! on a sibeh hot day, we go play basketball. then go anchorvale cc dip into the pool, bathe, THEN HAVE A FUCKING FRESH AND COLD BEER. MUAHAHAHAHA.

oh fook. i just realised its under jack's place -_-"

first blog post after a while. GO TO DMC.

2008-09-29T22:41:00.004+08:00

yeah, im re-blogging again. this time, not to whine/complain of course. but to put in some views. i have like so many things i wanna blog, but i think ima try put them on hold. hopefully i dont forget what i wanna blog by the time i want to blog again haha..

anyways,

i'd like to introduce my friends to this manga/anime called Detroit Metal City aka DMC. no, it has nothing to do with the hip hop band many years ago.

Detroit Metal City is about a this person, souichi negishi, who traveled from the countryside to tokyo to pursue his dreams as a pop singer. he somehow ends up being the lead singer/guitarist of one of the best death metal bands, Detroit Metal City, and he calls himself Johannes Krauser II.

the manga/anime revolves around him trying to pursue his real dream, and to exit the death metal scene altogether. unfortunately for him, his inner demon has gotten the better of him in most situations, he ends up creating a scene as Krauser-san, which often results in some stupid moments. of course, one would probably think that he is an idiot. however, with comments of the brainless DMC fans who view krauser-san as the REAL demon and embraces him, every stupid action or thing krauser-san does or says turns out to be something hilarious.

i recommended it to eric, who i think felt totally disgusted by DMC. however, i spoke to king jack (kheng jack) and jason about it, and they immediately responded that they either bought the manga or they have watched the anime, and they loved it.

especially the part where krauser-san says 10 rapes in 1 second . well, i watched the anime just to hear him say that. and boy did i laugh my ass off.

a google search on Detroit metal City will probably inform you that the movie is already airing in japan, with L in death note acting as sou-kun. I WILL DO ALL MEANS NECESSARY TO WATCH IT. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAA. and to top it off, the americans will be doing a DETROIT METAL CITY TOO! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

heres a link to watch DMC's SATSUGAI PV. for the movie of course!

heres the english lyrics. im typing out from fansubs hehehe.

SATSUGAI (MURDER)

i'm a terrorist from hell
yesterday i raped my mom
and tomorrow, im gonna carve up my dad
im a terrorist straight out from hell

i dont have a mom or a dad
thats because i killed them
i dont have friends or lovers
thats because i killed them

kill your parents and kill them again!
fucking kill everyone and everything

satsugai satsugai se yo
satsugai satsugai se yo
satsugai satsugai se yo
repaint your memories in blood

did i mention that the language was absurd? i guess i didnt, and i just realised hahaha.

anyways, hope u guys enjoy.

Friends

2007-03-17T02:27:00.000+08:00

generally, once again, i did minimal work.
and zoe and caecilia are like pressing me for my stuff, though i said i should finish my draft by sunday.
seems like i have to do something up by tomorrow.
man...zoe...lol.

i took a morning walk today, to not only exercise but also to buy breakfast. this decision turned out to be the worst decision made today. ended up coming back home and struggled to stay awake for like 3-4 hrs.

met mun mun for CRAB dinner muahahaha.
and we ended up discussing about how good some people can be, and not expect anything in return.

sigh.
somehow im not really in the mood to blog. im just forcing it on myself.
shall end here i guess.

My Divorce

2007-03-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

i finally decided to divorce my wife of 5 years. (goddamn time really flies.)
she was with me since 2002.
she provided me with much entertainment and joy.
she was with me when i was happy, and with me when i was really sad.
although there was a period when i cheated on her, she still stood by my side, waiting for me to come home everyday.
and everytime im home, i'd always rush to see her.
for the happiness and joy that she brings to me cannot be compared to anything else in the world.
i spent so much time with her, i totally forget where i am whenever im with her.
nothing else mattered back then.
but i started to get bored of her since november.
i spent my whole of november, december and january spending time with her, trying to build up the relationship again.
but to no avail.
finally, 3 weeks ago, she broke down.
i couldnt pacify her.
i couldnt console her.
and everyday, when i look at her, i found her a nuisance.
she was no longer part of my life.
i decided to divorce her.
or, in ancient chinese emperor times, banish her to the cold palace.
and i emptied up the table that she was on.
and i no longer spend all my time at that corner of my room no more.
cause i spend most of my time with my 2nd wife.
the one which im using to blog now.
and to go msn with.

the table will be converted to my study table though.

lol.
if anyone hasnt realised it, my wife is my gaming pc haha.
the power supply broke, and i have no intention to fix it at all.
it was kinda taking up room in my room, so i decided to shift it out and use the computer table as my study table.

im quite un-motivated for the past few days.
today wasnt an exception. guess i'll have to buck up.
tomorrow will be the start of a new day. gonna work really really hard.

zoe...sigh...
luckily i've come to realise its impossible.
but i still like her.
she was commenting about some jobs, and that "caecilia so pretty, ask her to personal banker she confirm earn money."
and i was thinking to myself "actually i think you're so much prettier."

i wont use the word perfect to describe her.
its just this feeling that i cant just wipe away.
well, i guess i have learnt to live with it.

i do hope i dont dream of her again.

the same dream again.

2007-03-15T08:28:00.000+08:00

yes, the same dream again.
the same dream where i see zoe in my dreams.
well, the same content.

this time she msged me saying that "he has not been replying her smses since afternoon."

shall skil the details though.

hmm i really think i kinda lost count on this type of dreams.

actually, i still remember a dream from yesterday.
i was in a world of zombies lol.
and they were attacking my house.
somehow i called someone to seek help, and that dude offered me advice on how to kill zombies.
when the head of zombies finally came, the dude was like "oh shit, that boss, i dont know his weaknesses".
but the boss was trying to enter my house and attack family, so i rushed down to try kill him with the handphone still on my hand and me still screaming "think man think! he is about to come into my house!"

then this was when i saw the boss. it was like red all over. yeah, red..think body paint that kind of red. somehow i had a gun in my hand, and i started firing off.

and then i woke up.
haha.

i've been nuaing too much, not think nor doing anything.
i guess, today will be the first day of actual work. i am going to do it.

Thank you.

2007-03-14T01:01:00.000+08:00

thank you so much.
after reading your message, i slept with a huge smile, and tears in my eyes.

its like something heavy deep inside me got lifted up.
thank you so much.

not thinking today, quite braindead. slept late last night, and really sleepy now.

achievement of the day was that i bought veggie delight from subway, 6-inch, and ate it. with soya milk that has less sugar. and i only ate like 4 mouths of my dinner before finding some weird shit in it and i refused to eat it. ended up eating 2 ba zhang for dinner. haha. healthy yet unhealty.

罪

2007-03-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

so i asked my mom: 咪啊，跑完步吃凉的会不会死？
and she replied: 不要吃太凉的就可以。

and im thinking to myself: 所以吃太凉的就会死啊？

and i proceeded to eat my bowl of cold cheng tng.

i think i shld abstain from chilli for quite abit.
my stomach is still burning from the chilli i had for dinner.

i've been thinking about what is right and what is wrong today. in a way, that was because i saw both her and su-ann in school today. deep down inside, im really apologetic. i wanna go up to them and talk cock, but in a way, i feel that both of them dont really want to talk to me. maybe im thinking too much. which brings me to the thing about "perfect friend". which the lecturer today reiterate my point: singaporeans are too kiasu. they can not tolerate mistakes.

once again, i admit that i was totally wrong towards her. in a way, im thinking...the things i wrote, are they childish? to her, i guess so. i really want to go up to her and apologise. i really do. but...sigh...something happened between her and another friend previously, and their friendship has somewhat become on the surface. and i guess, its prolly gonna happen to me too. i dont know, i just cant muster the courage to go up to her and let her scold. and i totally admit that im in the wrong. and even if i wanna show some concern, i cant.

and so, i think to myself. yeah, i did nothing wrong. i just wanted her to be prepared. yeah, i did nothing wrong. although my words were wrong, but i did nothing wrong. but then again, i thought, what is wrong? and what is right? im telling myself that im not wrong to make myself feel better. truth be told, its really bothering me for the past few days. even more than zoe.

woah, on the phone tokking kok for 2hrs. my handphone bills gonna go sky high.

what i feel is that no amount of apology can anything. thats y i let it be. i'll let it haunt me for as long as it does. prolly childish, but hey, thats what i feel i should.

and i see su-ann, and i feel she's quite cold towards me. well, i can tell from smses that she was always quite cold towards me, but at least we still tok kok. now, well...i dont think she doesnt even want to talk to me haha. and i think to myself: hey, its not entirely my fault. like i know u got a marketing project to rush. if i knew i would have did my part earlier. and now u blame me for ur late nights and u missing out on the inter-school pool.
just to make myself feel better.
well, at least towards her, im not apologetic.

but these 2 have made me lose my self-confidence.
i hereby dedicate this song to myself.

Beyond's 罪

罪罪不可恕是你去制造
怒怒不可歇系我o既态度

明是错你说是对问我怎信任你好
不必商讨对不对不必粉饰抹不去

不必多讲每一句不必解释你都有罪你有罪

誓誓不低头但屡战屡败
貌貌不惊人但你最伟大

shit. the long phone tok kok has made me forget some shit i wanted to type.

i compare myself to my friend. its true, 人比人，气死人. but i cant help comparing. and i do feel inferior. sigh. lost of self-confidence again. maybe, as what baili and adr were joking about, pms here liao. tmd.

a new stick picture!
李圣杰's 最近

你想要的我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的

as per normal, the full lyrics:

你最近不说话
怎么了为什么
是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单
有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁
你想要的我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
爱我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

Dreams

2007-03-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking...the way i phrase the whole apology thing seems weird. but basically, i just wanna say, i'd rather leave in regret then ask for forgiveness and stuff. but then again, it still sounds wrong, like im an idiot or something.

furthermore, i did mention that i wont use this blog to describe my daily activities, or to discuss on my feelings and such, but i guess it doesnt matter now too lol.

my mom woke me up this morning at around 9+. and she asked me why i seem to be sleeping much more than before. its true, i have been feeling really lethargic, and i dont seem to be sleeping enough nowadays. my mom's worried about my health, and she suspects health issues. i dont deny that of course, but i didnt mention it to her. i just told her that my pillows and beds arent taking my weight, and thus resulting in my poor sleep quality.

which, in turn, led me to having 3 dreams in just one night. or should i say, remembering 3 different dreams in just one night.

the first was me back in Victoria School. there was some gathering at the hall, and all of us were supposed to go there. and instead of trying to go to the hall, i made my way to the canteen. and of course, i was stopped. i dont remember the exact details though...

the 2nd, well, i dreamt that i was with her, and she had forgiven me. and we were out enjoying ourselves. i guess this was something that i really yearned for over the past few days.

the 3rd was like some sci-fi show. i was actually in the middle of a battle in outer space, and my so-called space ship was like the HQ battleship of the whole fleet. the only thing was that it was totally made of glass, or some totally transparent material so to speak. and i could clearly see the endless space that was below me. i cant remember how the battle went to be honest, for i was too engrossed in not getting my ship hit. i really didnt want to fall into that endless space, and up till now i can still remember the feeling. it was like preparing urself for some bungee jump, that feeling. like...i dont want to jump. i dont want to jump. i scared.

and my mom woke me up.

im somewhat motivated after the talk with rongjian. yet im still nuaing haha. i guess something has to start somewhere. and it will start on monday, not tomorrow. for tomorrow will never come.

my mom asked me once again, y dont i go find a date?
and i thought to myself. im still thinking of zoe. and as of yet, after all the shitty things of cheating and stuff, i dont really believe in myself, nor in anyone at the moment. im prolly too paranoid. but..sigh...
i really hope to follow what one historical character mentioned. "i'd rather believe and get betrayed, rather than to not believe and get all suspicious." but, can i take the feeling of being betrayed? i doubt so.

so i guess, no one will see me with a gf for quite some time.

One Boring Day

2007-03-10T23:44:00.000+08:00

first, i declare that the comment and the apology thing is still bothering me. i cant get it out of my head. but then again, no amount of apologies is gonna work anyways. i guess it'll prolly take a little while more.

it was a really really good day yesterday. i meant at night, our hall 12 reunion dinner. i was supposed to organize it of course, but due to lethargy and projects i kinda pushed it to KO to settle it haha.

but then again, i would consider the dinner to be a huge success. at least, all those whom i could remember from the clique were there. just a few names i totally forgot lol..namely yong li, jia wei and jin yong. the rest, well...i wont forget their names.

one thing that surprised me though, was that some of my fellow FOC programmers were there; serena, jiaping and xuefen. i was like omg lol..though i do remember that shin and jiaping were quite close back then.

and the best part...when jiaping saw me she was like..."i remember u! u wrote on my friendster, xiao char bor!" in mandarin..i was like thinking to myself "oh shit man, i totally forgot about it until u reminded me"...and she said something more power. "i cant remember ur name."

hahahaha it was fun though...tony wasnt around, which kinda meant that some fun was lost. tony was like one of the crappiest person i've ever known, the only person who got scolded just after waking up by his CSM, and still come over to my company and tell my sgt that he just got scolded. and the best part, he still looked like he just woke up and his hair was still standing hahaaha...

anyways, the dinner was quite good this time. the soup was kinda delicious, though KO kpkb that the soup base had too much msg.

this will prolly be the last time we ever gonna eat in hall 12, since we dont know the new dudes around, and its like KO's final sem after 6 years in NTU i think...so next year, its prolly gonna be a chalet or some thing. and if...i say if and only if...they decide to jio martin's gang, i could prolly get to see the cute little chilli padi again lol...dammit i cant remember her name at all. oh! its weiling! the supposed stephanie sun lookalike of hall 12 and this really petite aka my type kind of girl lol.

i did wanted to take a photo though, but decided against it.

prof woo came by, i guess we were too noisy, but he said that he was really happy to see hall 12 alumni come together. and when he saw shin he was like "zhi xun, ur still gambling" hahaha, that really got everyone LOL out.

man, i totally miss them, and hall life too.

today was kinda weird for me. i slept from 1am to 10am, which apparently i woke up at around 9am, only to go back to sleep again. i've been lying on bed too much. i guess the quality of my sleep is really getting from bad to worse, and its not rare that i get woken up by my own snoring, having experienced this at least 3 times just this month alone.

with no games to play, i literally did nothing but laid on my bed, one of the longest ever since i left army. hell, i even took a nap of 1hr in the afternoon, which was fucking rare. and i spent like 70% of the whole day on my bed, watching any video that i could get my hands on. which resulting in me re-watching old episodes of top gear, and even south park the movie. and atm im loading death note anime episode 1 on youtube lol.

well, not really thinking alot today...but i really cant deny it. its still zoe. but im really really glad that its not the same as before. things are really under control, and in a way, yeah, i've really made myself happy.

just something to share, its from jackass number 2.

today was a really boring day.

perfect friend

2007-03-09T15:40:00.000+08:00

there was so much things i wanted to type last night following the apology, which i prolly guess will never be read. i decided against it, thought over it carefully, and here goes.

yes, im really apologetic. to the extent that i'll prolly regret and live in guilt all my life. my intentions were there, but theres no use explaining anything now. i just want you to know that im really sorry, thats all.

having said that, i was kinda miserable yesterday. watched 300 with a really really heavy heart, with that one sorry and all the other implications going through my mind. i really wanted to say sorry, or to call her to apologise, but i decided against that. i went home, looked into the mirror, and saw a really unhappy kang wei. and i told myself what i have always been telling myself. if you are not happy, make yourself happy. and i tried telling myself that my intentions were good although the words were wrong. and i did nothing wrong at all.

and then i realised one mistake that i had made.

well, i wouldnt exactly term it as a mistake. but lets put it this way. you do wrong to a person. you apologise. the person ignores you. and u feel totally miserable. what do you actually want from apologising? to tell the person that you are apologetic? to show that you truly regret what you did? to get a scolding from the person? for forgiveness?

what i truly wanted from apologising, was to make myself feel better regardless of the response. if she scolded me, i would have felt better. if she forgave me, i would have felt better. if she ignored me, i would have felt miserable. and i did not want to feel miserable. i wanted to feel good, earn for forgiveness or even a scolding.

im not saying that im apologising in this case just because i want to feel better. i am apologising because i truly am sorry. i am prepared to lose a good friend, and not be forgiven and prolly live in guilt for the rest of my life. i do not want to harrass for a forgiveness or a scolding, but i will just leave things as it is. hell, i'd rather choose this path forever if required. but generally, when someone apologises, i do believe what is going through them is what i stated in the past 2 paragraphs.

which brings me to my mistake. being too nosey in this case. not that i wanted to. but because of another friend's experience which brought me to show concern, in a seriously wrong way. i guess, i have to make myself bochup even more from now.

which snowballs to the fact that this is the main reason which i personally feel why i cant really get a girlfriend. not coz im fat, oversized or whatsoever, which iwee and gang believes. but, in a way, im more self-centred than anyone else i know. secret secret =D. although im always more than willing to help others lol. contradicting right? when it comes to favours, i do help, without asking for anything. and when i help, i always do my best to help, from the bottom of my heart. but, when it comes to care and concern, im too self-centred.

that aside, i've come to feel that in Singapore, there is no room for mistakes. one mistake == lost of a friend. people in singapore seems to only accept "perfect" friends, that is, someone who totally doesnt make any mistakes in front of u. and by mistakes i mean personal mistakes, which concerns both parties, or friends involved. im not including trust under such mistakes, as trust is a totally different subject altogether, especially when it comes to conversations, actions and secrets.

how often have u seen friends fall out with each other because of mistakes? i have seen quite a few. and these mistakes arent issues of mis-trust. and the thing about most singaporeans, is that once friends fall out, it is almost impossible to become friends again. at least, that is what i feel, and over these 2 months i felt like i have lost 2 friendships. and it matters, really. it hurts inside, but its my fault. the expectations of friendship arent just being friends, but being a "perfect" friend. someone who shares the same interest. someone whom u use ur own yardstick to measure and expects them to fit ur yardstick, even if u know the person for like 5-6 years. someone who does not make mistakes. someone who does not have conflicts with u. someone whom u can trust totally.

and it hurts even more, because there is nothing i can do about it. well, if theres nothing i can do, i wont do anything. bochup ftw.

as mentioned, i watched 300, and i was greatly disappointed. y? ok, first of all, i know the story. and i did some readup on wikipedia after the show. there werent only 300 spartans guarding the place. there were more alliances troops. yet, for cinematics, they only showed 300. this, i have nothing to complain about. but, what really disappointed me most was the battle scenes. yes, it was really nice, the graphics, CG and such. BUT, the 300 were supposed to plug up the valley. yet, the movie depicted them breaking away from their formation, getting involved in individual battles/fights. what the heck is that? i mean...for cinematics, for excitement, u allow 300 men to all spread their formation out and fight? hell, any retarded commander would know that all they needed to do against some idiots who broke formation is that they shld send waves and waves of forces to tire them out and break through their formation. yet, the way the persians fight were like one wave at a time. and they couldnt even break through the dispersed formation. wtf is that? disappointing i would say, but then again its from my own point of view. im sure many others would disagree with that. and i believe some char bor who might be reading this blog and her name starts with "a" would prolly enjoy the show coz all the guys were showing off their six-packs lol.

i've always been fascinated at such battles. how does it feel to be outnumbered by the enemies? standing on the castle wall and looking at an endless horizon of enemies. or standing outside the castle wall looking up, being the first wave of your army, ready to charge up and prolly get scalded, attacked by stones whatsoever. will i be frightened to death? will i be motivated by a cause? i really would love to be part of such battles one day.

i've been thinking, what makes great leaders different from others? ability? intellect? IQ? EQ? knowledge? to be honest, what im gonna suggest would prolly be disagreed upon. but thats something which i firmly believe. what makes great leaders different from normal human beings, is their ability to handle pressure, and make decisions within the shortest possible time under a lot of pressure and stress. and the decisions they make are usually good decisions, benefitting the majority. its like, a million things go through their minds in that split second, and they come out with a solution for most, if not all of the problems.

in a way, this blog is training myself to think. call me empty-headed or whatever, but at least with this blog, i tend to ponder and think of issues that could be discussed and debated. and i could even take my own stand. and best of all, i remember what i thought of. and i think its really beginning to show some positive effects.

i was just browsing around some forums, and i saw this dude linking his blog on his avatar, so i clicked out of fun. i didnt read anything, yet this phrase caught my attention: "you should blog on fun things rather than pessismistic issues; these might just make u feel even worse." as of yet, im unable to blog any optimistic/fun issues, with all the thinkings and self-motivation going on, im sure i'll be more optimistic in future.

oh, i remembered something that i forgot to mention to adrianne in the car. there was one thing that i felt different this sem. its like, every mudder fudder son were all busy rushing their projects. yet i was so relaxed. i went to play pool, play billiard, watch movie, and even went chionging. im not sure why, but its just not me.

wow, long post. to wrap it all up, heres an excerpt of a conversation between me and edwin some time back. he didnt want to blog it coz he just had a new entry, and i was lazy. but anyways, here goes.

hmmm....ok nm, i cant cut and paste from my history directly lol.

i dreamt of zoe again last night. she was introducing her boyfriend to me in the dream. its the 12th time i've had such a dream this year, the previous 11 were just her telling me that she was attached. the 12th, just this morning, i actually dreamt of her and her bf together. haha, im so screwed. edwin, N!!! say indecent obsession!!!

i dont want to lose another friend.

2007-03-09T01:05:00.000+08:00

if you are reading,

i am really really sorry

小人不除，命改不了

2007-03-04T21:02:00.001+08:00

got a few things on my mind...
hopefully i can remember what i wanna blog.
im really really bored. relatives here, com spoil, kids playing mahjong, me hiding in my room, no one to chat on msn

小人不除，命改不了.
just finished watching this china show by 吴镇宇 and 梁静 (not fish leong hor. some chio bu china actress). found it quite meaningful in a way.

the dude was impotent, and the wife was continuously complaining about it. the dude was like...im so useless...and everyday, the wife would be out gambling and playing mahjong until the wee hours. it really did seem that the couple would eventually divorce, with the wife cheating on the dude.

the show progresses as each of them meets up with this blind fortune teller, who was really accurate with his predictions. he says that the dude 命犯小人, and 小人不除，命改不了. so the dude tries to kill his 小人, which he believes is his wife.

what facinated me most was the wife. she knew that her husband was impotent. she knew that her husband was quite a good-for-nothing. yet she chose to stay by her side. although they were quarreling day and night, and more than often she showed poor attitude towards her husband, but deep down inside, she still loved her husband, and had never even thought of cheating on him.

that really surprised me most. probably i have heard too much of couples cheating on one another, some even till the extent of having sex with another. everytime i think of this, the issue that appeared in Spanglish would come to my mind. would u be able to forgive ur husband/wife, if he/she was sleeping around, and came back, admitting everything to you and trys to ask for forgiveness?

oh. i deviated. what i was trying to say was...does such love really exist? that no matter how useless your better half is, you will still love him or her till the end? i guess in Singapore this might probably not happen. im not sure, but the impression is that people (guys and girls included), will not stick around once there is trouble. really rare do we see people who will stick by through thick and thin. and im guilty of that. things really do get boring/sickening after you go through it again and again and again and again, though this doesnt apply to my mom lol. once things dont go well, the issue of distrust comes into place. even if one side trusts the other, and continues to adhere to his/her principles, the other party might just be filled with jealousy and distrust.

well, then again, i might be wrong. i can single out a few friends who i guess would probably stick by thick and thin with their better half. probably i've heard too much stories, and i am not able to reach that level of trust yet. well, we'll see. i'll probably discuss this again if i ever get a gf lol.

so, what do you think? up for some discussion? im more than willing to hear other opinions ^_^v

Differing Opinions

as i mentioned before, i totally agree with Tenacious D on this. it's a matter of opinion. there is no right and wrong. theres this other issue that i would love to discuss, but i'll be keeping it to myself i guess. and such opinions are actually really scary. i've seen for myself how one friend totally changed his opinions. at least, he doesnt seem the person he was a year ago.

is there really a need to get angry over difference in opinions? from what i can recall, there was quite a heated argument between me and eric. i told him straight upfront, i have my opinion, u have urs. i do see it from your point of view, cause i was somewhere there before. but i choose my stand, because now i believe in my stand. and i cant persuade you to accept my opinion, nor can u persuade me to accept yours. well, im glad that we were both mature enough to handle this issue. at least, i still believe that he is like one of my best brothers around, though i do feel some drifting apart since last sem. this sem, well, he isnt in singapore, i cant comment much. but i do look forward to seeing him back in singapore.

alamak. i deviated again.

accepting a friend means accepting his/her similarities and differences. this is something which i do believe i have failed to do, but im still working hard towards it though. there cant be two people who think exactly the same (although there is such a case in Kindaichi's manga).

hmmm...whats next?
alamak. forget liao. nm fuck it.
scrolling around my msn list. and yeah, i found it.

so this ex-best friend of mine believes that god helps those who takes their first step. so he went to buy toto.

i couldnt believe it. i nearly burst out laughing.

but then again, i think about religion issues. my mom says she is a buddhist/taoist, and she gives offerings and goes to the temple on occasions. and im a self-proclaimed buddhist/taoist too. i go temple, i pray, i give offerings and i donate money to the temple.

having spoke to dawn, zhixian and melissa before, i thought about this whole religious issue again. previously, christians have preached to me about believing in god, going to the church, having god in your heart, god will help you. not that i dont believe, i do want to believe...but i posed a question back. does it mean that you are still devoted if u follow the teachings of the bible, have god in your heart, and still not go church? all of them disagreed, saying that the church is a place of devotion, going back to church is a way of returning to god what he has given us.

initially i rejected this idea; i prefer to do things the way i like. but recently, i've been thinking. i claim that im a buddhist/taoist. my mom claims so too. hell, anyone else who goes to the temple can easily claim so too. but heres where the issue comes about. how much do we know about the teachings of the gods that we believe in? how often have we gone to temple and chant sutras to learn more about the gods? i admit, i have never been to do this at all. and i claim that im a buddhist/taoist. im quite ashamed of myself actually, for i have failed in the true meaning of religions. and in a way i shld just self-proclaim that im a free-thinker.

yet, a part of me tells me that i should explore christianity. i should go church and listen to their teachings. and i should believe in these teachings. and accept these teachings, accept god as part of me, and practice what i believe in. im not sure what is stopping me though, perhaps i still want to be a buddhist/taoist. but then again, am i committed? how committed will i be? how much effort am i willing to put in?

i do not know.

heres the last 2 stick pics i have. i guess people prolly have seen it, but i'll just post it anyways.

the first one is a relatively sad song...everytime i hear it i still feel TK.

i died in my dreams, whats that supposed to mean?

its a song by rasmus, called the funeral song.

heres the full lyrics:

I dumped you again
I don't understand
It's happened before
Can't take it no more

These foolish games
Always end up in confusion
I'll take you back
Just to leave you once again

I died in my dreams
What's that supposed to mean?
Got lost in the fire
I died in my dreams
Reaching out for your hand
My fatal desire

I've failed you again
'Cause I let you stay
I used to pretend
That I felt ok

Just one big lie
Such a perfect illusion
I made you mine
Just to hurt you once again

I died in my dreams
What's that supposed to mean?
Got lost in the fire
I died in my dreams
Reaching out for your hand
My fatal desire

now, heres the final stick picture i have. no inspiration or creativity to draw more lol. its from another hacken lee song, i like this coz the song sounds comical...and the MTV is even more shitty, low budget cheap production with hacken appearing a staggering ZERO times in the MTV.

這晚在街中偶遇心中的她

as per normal, the full lyrics.

護花使者

這晚在街中偶遇心中的她
兩腳決定不聽叫喚跟她歸家
深宵的冷風不准吹去她

她那幽幽眼神快要對我說話
纖纖身影飄飄身影默默轉來吧
對我說浪漫情人愛我嗎
貪心的晚風竟敢擁吻她
將她秀髮溫溫柔柔每縷每縷放下
卑污的晚風不應撫慰她
我已決意一生護著心中的她

4th stick drawing.

2007-03-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

well, i hereby post my newest stick drawing.
i still have 2 more i have yet to post, but the previous one tricia was saying she seen it b4, so i lan lan got to draw a new one. i'll post the 2 old ones soon...since im already out of ideas.

for this, its courtesy of mr. edwin tan, whos perverted lyrics gave me the inspiration.
its actually the starting lyrics of a song...well...heres a little history to it. i liked this song coz of the lyrics, especially the chorus part. so one find day i was out KTVing with one chio bu and one bitch...ok i didnt know she was such a bitch then...anyways...my singing really sux, until i started singing the first 2 sentences of this song and they were like OMG KANG WEI THAT SOUNDED REALLY GOOD.

the original 2 sentences:

想用一杯latte把你灌醉
好让你能多爱我一点

and mr. edwin tan's version:

想用一杯吗爹(martell)把你灌醉
好让我能多爱你一点

here goes...

as usual, heres the full lyrics

想用一杯Latte把你灌醉　好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味　你不懂这种感觉　早有人陪的你永远不会

看见你和他在我面前　证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的　那些憔悴　是你永远不曾过的体会

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解　我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退　我的防备　静静关上门来默数我的泪

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会　我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天
直到那一天　你会发现　真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为我自己会后悔　不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪　为你做任何改变　也唤不回你对我的坚决

直到那一天　你会发现　真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

Guilt.

2007-02-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

lol...i thought i typed guillit.

as mentioned, im not gonna blog my thoughts and stuff.
prolly some stuff to remind myself ba.

im feeling guilty.
guilty of not feeling guilty for the MC project.
i do find myself behaving really differently, though not many ppl might have noticed.
kinda uncontrollable, this feeling lol.

depressed? probably.

after my actions for this semester and over the previous holidays, i can safely declare that adr and gang's perception of me is wrong. i will not make a good boyfriend/husband. that is guaranteed + chop stamp + warranty + any tee you can think of.
not that im proud of that though.

heres another stick pic.
thanks to eric, i was thinking of some marilyn manson song...or shld i say i kinda liked this song coz of eric's influence. its called COMA BLACK. and i do remember mentioning to jason, and he was laughing at me for mentioning the wrong title. he was like "theres no coma black lar u idiot. theres only coma white." well...from what i could recall i didnt really wanna argue...i just said "yeah, there is. its a song title, not an album title." of course, jason didnt believe me, so i decided to just let it be.

before i even thought of this song, i was already thinking of some "retro/mambo" dance hand moves for the chorus part. haha, i still remember doing the hand actions in the car and eric was laffing his arse off. man, i miss those crappy days. kinda no one to do crazy shit around here liao.

this was never my world
you took the angel away
i'd kill myself to make everybody pay

muahahahahaa...somehow i love this pic. look at the flying money!

heres coma black's lyrics. its quite gothic though.

My mouth was a crib
And it was growing lies
I didn't know what love was on that day
Her hearts a tiny blood clot
I picked at it, it never heals, it never goes away

Burn all the good things in the eden eye
We were too dumb to run, too dead to die
Burn all the good things in the eden eye
We were too dumb to run, too dead to die

This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay
This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay

I would've told her then
She was the only thing
That I could love, in this dying world
But the simple word, of love itself
Already died and went away

This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay
This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay

Burn all the good things in the eden eye
We were too dumb to run, too dead to die
Burn all the good things in the eden eye
We were too dumb to run, too dead to die

This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay
This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay
This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay
This was never my world
You took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay

Her hearts a bloodstained egg
We didn't handle with care
It's broken and bleeding
And we could never repair
Her hearts a bloodstained egg
We didn't handle with care
It's broken and bleeding
And we could never repair

And we can never repair

More pics

2007-02-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

well...
after quite a bit of struggle, i still wonder how i shld approach my re-ignited fire for blogging.
i dont really wanna post my daily happenings.
i dont really wanna post my feelings and stuff.
and its like quite xxxxxxtic to start showing off photos and stuff and hao lianing the new stuff i got, how nice and beautiful and attracted i was to the new stuff blah blah blah.

i'll prolly make the blog public when i make more meaningful posts.
just told tricia my url. tricia, u very pweety~~ i like~~ but u pang seh me ktv~~ i no like~~

prolly some food reviews.
or some food for thought.
and prolly some crap shit.
probably.

well, i did buy some stuff today lol. no pics though. asics kayano size 13. the fucker tried to cheat me of 5% gst somemore...and for once i know how to bargain ahahaha. bought two 1994 cds, coz i want to listen to 3 songs. end up $77.70. not say worth it, but its 赵咏华's cds. and one 叶树茵's...well i guess no one really knows who 叶树茵 is lol. well..just to remind myself lol..

Stick Drawings Part II

well, after more JPBSP, i decided to draw another stick picture...i remember i was quite tk back then...and one of my favourite songs was ringing in my head.

(trying to find the lyrics. shit, i forgot the link edwin gave me b4. tmd. too long no need the tk lyrics liao. HAHAHA edwin called, and the first thing i said was...eh whats the link ar? www.coolmanmusic.com)

但我的心每分每刻仍然被她佔有
她似這月兒仍然是不開口
提琴獨奏獨奏著：「明月半倚深秋」
我的牽掛我的渴望直至以後 #

so here goes....a pictorial presentation.

haha...im actually quite creative!

anyways, heres the lyrics to the full song.

月半小夜曲 - 李克勤

仍然倚在失眼夜望天邊星宿
仍然聽見小提琴如泣似訴再挑逗
為何只剩一彎月留在我的天空
這晚以後音訊隔絕

* 人如天上的明月是不可擁有
情如曲過只遺留無可挽救再分別
為何只是失望填密我的空虛
這晚夜沒有吻別 *

# 仍在說永久想不到是藉口
從未意會要分手
但我的心每分每刻仍然被她佔有
她似這月兒仍然是不開口
提琴獨奏獨奏著：「明月半倚深秋」
我的牽掛我的渴望直至以後 #
Repeat * #

i must post this b4 i forget.

2007-02-26T01:39:00.000+08:00

CNY day 1, supposed to meet edwin chris and junyi to poke ball at bug is. but b4 that, arranged to meet up with zhen yu.
parked opposite bug is, and crossed the 2 traffic lights, the one in front of BK, to go bugis.
on the middle section sat this really old lady selling tissue paper. it was not an unfamiliar face, i had seen her sitting down there under the hot sun trying to sell her tissue pax.
it was 10+pm, if my memory serves me right. i saw her. i looked at her. i cried a little inside. i went up to her, and asked her how much. she said 1 dollar, and took 5 packets out. i thought of what boon always did. i took one packet from her, and gave her a dollar. i was still crying inside.
CNY day 1.

well then, i seemed to have forgotten the time, and the exact amount of money i gave the old lady. screw the so called syndicates behind these old people. i was crying inside.

one thing i dont really like about youtube is that the quality like given a 30% discount. but anyways, a new song that i kinda like. dont ask me why, i dont know, i just like the chorus part.

gary cao ge's superman.

lol...first superwoman, now superman. how original.

i was browsing the old posts, and i cant exactly remember what my first few posts were, but it does seem like i've lost some of my earlier posts. doesnt matter, sad memories...and luckily for my poor memory i dont seem to remember much of it anyways. though i vaguely remember that i was blogging about what happened and how it all started.

so...

what is happiness? how do u define happiness? no i have not watched that new happyness show yet. i do not know what is happiness, nor how do i define it, but i do know its all a matter of perspective. yes, the key word in the present century. perspective. it just doesnt matter how or what other people say or preach. all it matters is how each individual wants to see/view things and issues happening all around them. perspective. and there is no right or wrong.

a simple life, i want.
and happiness is what i have. oh. im waiting to get scolded from 3 people though lol. but still, im still happy.
end of the day, what it matters most. i am happy. now, that is a matter of perspective.

like what jack black and kyle gass sang: this is just a tribute, you got to believe me, and i wished you were there, juz a matter of opinion.

long-awaited post.

2007-02-25T20:01:00.000+08:00

after like 6+ months and letting edwin beat me to it...here goes.

juz one fine day, when i really 贾霸驳塞磅, i decided to draw. partly inspired by all the weird misheard lyrics crap online lol...

heres the video by kewen, fishmaster. its a song by nightwish titled wishmaster, and somehow i chanced upon it and roflmaocopter it became.

and no, i have no intentions of copying it. i mean...even if i want to im kinda technically retarded to do something like that. so screw it.

but here comes my version.
well, i used to have dream theater lyrics ringing in my head...of course, DT is my fave band ever and ever lol...and one day, this particular line kept on ringing.

tears my soul into two, im not the one i thought i always knew

so....here i present, a visualised version of that line.

heres the original lyrics. 3rd track, from the album scenes from a memory. one of my favourite albums lol...

3. Strange Deja Vu

[N:]
Subconscious strange sensation
Unconscious relaxation
What a pleasant nightmare
And I can`t wait to get there again

Every time I close my eyes
There`s another vivid surprise
Another whole life waiting
Chapters unfinished, fading

Closer now - Slowly coming into view
I`ve arrived - Blinding sunshine beaming through

There`s a house I`m drawn into
Familiar settings, nothing new
There`s a pathway leading there
With a haunting chill in the air

There`s room at the top of the stairs
Every night I`m drawn up there
There`s a girl in the mirror
Her face is getting clearer
Young child won`t you tell me why I`m here?

In her eyes - I sense a story never told
Behind the disguise - There`s something tearing
At her soul

[V:]
Tonight I`ve been searching for it
A feeling that`s deep inside m
Tonight I`ve been searching for
The one that nobody knows
Trying to break free

I just can`t help myself
I`m feeling like I`m going out of my head
Tears my heart into two
I`m not the one the sleeper thought he knew

[N:]
Back on my feet again
Eyes open to real world
Metropolis surrounds me
The mirror`s shattered the girl

Why is this other life
Haunting me everyday
I`d break through the other side
If only I`d find the way

Something`s awfully familiar
The feeling`s so hard to shake
Could I have lived in that other world
It`s a link that I`m destined to make

I`m still searching but I don`t know what for
The missing key to unlock my mind`s door

Today I am searching for it
A feeling that won`t go away
Today I am searching for it
The one that I only know
Trying to break free

I just can`t help myself
I`m feeling like I`m going out of my head
Tears my soul into two
I`m not the one I thought I always knew

I just can`t help myself
I`m feeling like I`m going out of my head
Uncanny, strange Deja Vu
But I don`t mind - I hope to find the truth

harlow

2007-02-21T23:47:00.000+08:00

once again, im back blogging.

well, if u are bored enough to read through all the past posts, do feel free to lol...

now...got to try posting some pictures. hmmm

2005-08-08T01:10:00.000+08:00

hey, you never "run around naked."
thats cause i "lazy".
well then, lets go "converse."

what a nice talk.

2005-07-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

losing the self-confidence.
its no more.

i guess, its the end.
im not sure how much i will blog again.
coz i have lost it.

the world seems like black and white.

good day all.
the day may seem better.
but the life has gone.

im not wallowing in my own self pity.
its true.
perhaps, seeing the darkside.
and i lost it all.

2005-07-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

the day before was a very good day
yesterday was quite a good day.
and im in SPSS lessons right now.
and it shall be a good day today.

Not Knowing What You Want.

2005-07-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

today wasnt a better day.

now, what did i wanna say?
oh.
not knowing what you want.
i dont know what i want.
seriously.
all the things that i have done.
and i dont even know what i want.
and i dont even know why im doing all these.
cause nothing is going to come out of these.
cause nothing is going to happen from these.
i cant hope, remember?

i do envy.
whats his name again?
Joseph Lee.
and he has taught me a lesson.
a lesson that i will never forget.

what is yours, is yours.
but what if u dont fight for what is yours?
does it mean, it will still be yours?
or does it mean, you can sit down there and relax and it will still be yours?
i guess, ppl often misunderstand the meanings.
i guess, i realized the meaning.

today wasnt a better day.
tomorrow will be a better day.

2005-07-22T23:22:00.000+08:00

a worry.
its happened again.
and its nothing but pressure.
and stress.
and worries.
and lah lah lah.

nice day.
really nice day.
and tomorrow is going to be an even better day.

2005-07-22T08:54:00.000+08:00

one day.
just one fine day.
i am going to have my sweet revenge.
and boy, issit going to be sweet.

it comes to a point when you dont even know what you are doing.
it comes to a point when you only realise it after you have done it.
think, man, think.

its kinda unfair, isnt it?
but if they dont mind, why not?
hehehehe.

so, who am i?
i think i am Loo Kang Wei.
but who you are, isnt what you think you are.
who you are, is how others see you, that is who you are.
so, who am i?

standing on a thin line on the top of the world.
treading carefully.
i think i am going to fall.
but i wont let it happen.
because i cannot afford to fall.
for if i fall, its really rock-bottom landing.
with no cushions, no safety devices.
walk slowly.

change.
its kinda fun, isnt it?
im really beginning to like this change.

today is a better day.

oh, im going to be late for lessons again.
argh.
now she's going PS at 10am.
so i reckon she's gonna be there at 9.30.
and 15mins for me.
and i am going to be late.

2005-07-19T11:36:00.000+08:00

sigh.
i think, i would like to explain.
if that was 1 month ago.
what more can i say?

its not the best to not say anything.
its not me to not say anything.

misunderstandings.
if thats the way you want to think, i cant help it.
but u said something.
and im pissed.
i think i didnt realise it.
until quite abit later.
oh wait.
i realised it.
almost immediately.
but i couldnt react.

for once, im not hoping.

what a day.
business parties aint my cup of tea.
but that is going to change.
boy.
am i going to love it.

曾几何时。。。

2005-07-17T22:01:00.000+08:00

曾几何时，我喜欢上了速度。
那份快感，常让我无法言喻。
坐在车位上，手握驾驶盘，这种感觉，仿佛到了另一个空间。
人们常说：命运掌握在自己的手上。
我认为，这说法非常正确。
无论转弯，走直，都由你一手控制。
直线的速度，转弯的角度，无一不是由你亲手控制。

适当的掌握，路程舒畅无比。
激动的驾驶，路程精彩无比。
一切的一切，都靠个人的喜好。

不知为何，我开始爱上了那种快感。
全速向前，使身体紧靠着座位。
快速转弯，身体倾斜。
好不快乐。
好不舒服。

我从不喜欢速度。
速度，只不过是一种危险的运动。
或许，是环境的改变。
或许，是个性的改变。
也或许，是两者。

快感。
速度。
我改变了我的想法。
我改变了我的态度。

一切都不同了。

im not sure if i did the right thing.
but i gave it careful thoughts.
yes, i was thinking.
i couldnt break out of the barrier of thoughts.
but at least i thought.

or perhaps, i tried to console myself.

things didnt turn out too negatively.
but it wasnt positive either.
i guess, things are meant to be like this.

i cant say im happy.
yet i cant say im sad.
i do wonder how i feel.
i do wonder how i think.
but i guess, i aint there yet.

change.
its something i accepted not too long ago.
there were some things that i managed to pick up.
but i guess, its the way life is.
its near impossible to change.
unfortunately, thats true.
tv shows may show otherwise.
but its all fairytales.
its all false hopes.
there are too many things that cant be changed.

i think, i imagine, i hope.
and i realize that i cant hope.
what issit that keeps ppl going?
hope?
and i cant hope?

i would like to scold someone over here.
but the thing is, i wasnt angry at all.
funny, isnt it?
time will change.
i believe so.
or more like, i hope so.
and i am not supposed to hope.

one thing for sure, i managed to keep the truth.
yes, i told my sis about it.
but i kept it to myself.
and i know my sis wont say anything.
not to cover my backside, not to hide the truth.
but its to make ppl feel better.

what is love?
what is like?
that is one thing i cant answer.

i know, for a matter of fact, i am going to be crumbled soon.
crushed.
like paper.
thrown into the dustbin.
and down the chute.
and into the truck.
and off to the incinerator.
did i spell it correctly?
i cant be bothered to check the dic.

hmmm.
how do i go about doing it?
i know the number is just there for me to call.
yet, i have not done anything about it.
i do not know how good it is.
im imagining things.
and i hope that it might come true.
but the thing is, im not supposed to hope, am i?

i do think that what he said was too extreme.
but its the cold hard fact.
y are ppl willing to help, willing to sacrifice, when they gain nothing at all?
what have i gained?
im not sure if i have repaid.
but, i do believe i lost more than i gained.
yet im still willing to sacrifice.
why?
what do i want ultimately?
i want to succeed.
yet i cant hope.

what is the definition of hope?
i do wonder.
the definition is so ambigous, isnt it?

there are a lot of things that i learnt over the past week.
sigh.
too many things in my brain i think.
im not that smart a person.

i guess, thats all i have to say for the time being.
i seem to have lost the passion.
yes, i have.
perhaps, its cause of downloading.
perhaps, its cause i have other things on my mind.

i wrote something on the paper.
i dont like it.
for i realised it had no content.
and i am going to write on a new piece.

test

2005-07-11T01:10:00.001+08:00

test test.

2005-07-11T01:10:00.000+08:00

there were so many things i wanted to discuss.
but there seems to be none that i can recall.

Shazna.
i was in love with Shazna.
yes, its a band of 3 guys.
but the lead cross-dressed.
so beautiful, so pretty.

the first Baiser song i heard was psychoballet.

sidetrack.
roflmao.
SNL rocks!
hahahaha
mrs. dr. frankenstein.
she made a homo!

i was like...
how come this song sound so much like Shazna?
especially the singing.

and it happened that Baiser and Shazna shared the same type of singing.
though the music was fundamentally different.

a talk with a friend.
success.
worried.
future.
destroying all obstacles.
accepting the obstacles.
what woud you choose?
undeniable extreme.
yet undeniable true.
what would you choose?
destroy all obstacles, and work towards a success.
or accepting the obstacles, and work towards a possibly non-success?
where is the balance?
or should i say, what is there balance?
or should i say, how do i strike a balance?

destroying.
not overcoming.

i think, its over-reliance.
the encouragement.
the compliments.
its scary.

i am so afraid.
but then again, why should i?
life still has to go on.
if i can make the mistake once,
i can make it again.
and i can make the mistake once,
i can avoid making it again.

DAMN.
was that a cockroach that flew?
tried to catch it...but i flung it away by accident.
and now i cant find it.

hahahaha..
thats funny.
SNL
sir elton john singing a song insulting ashlee simpson of lip-synching.
and dear mr. whatever decide to visit my toes.
tried to catch it alive so i can spare its life, but i failed.
and Sir Tissues Boxster had to be invited to settle the business for me.

GE seems to be doing quite a bit of adverts nowadays.

well, seems that Eminem is lip-synching too.

what do you think?
Ferrari's car is too lousy this season.
Bridgestone tires cannot be compared with Michelin.
Renault and Mclaren have far better cars.
Michelin tires are more superior than Bridgestone.
what do you think?

browsing through the net, and saw this wikipedia webby.
and through it, i learnt a lot.
especially about dream theater...

i did myself a huge disservice today.
to keep it simple, i forgot.
and im confused.
yes.
i dont know what im doing.
i had so much to discuss, to say.
but i cant seem to remember anything.
i tried to recall.
only to get myself even more confused.

there is one thing i wanted to clear up.
but i dont even know if i should.
its like...
if i dont, i still get mistaken.
and if i do, it feels like im trying to cover up.
and when these times come...
what do you do?
i have come to a decision.

when you commit a mistake, its best to remedy the mistake.
but, does anyone realize, if u do commit a mistake, its best to let the mistake carry on?
what am i talking about?

i guess i shld sleep now.

Do You Believe In Fate?

2005-07-05T10:53:00.000+08:00

encouragement?
or juz gut feeling.
failure to believe in oneself.
yet becoming proud.
isnt it weird?

what is the gist of the problem?
what is the rationale of the research?
seems interesting.

Octavarium.
i cant seem to stop thinking about it.
getting hooked day by day.
its like drugs.
i still cant differentiate the songs.
i need a portable device.

i shall keep quiet.

one of my all time favourite songs.
actually a story behind it.
a story that i will never forget.

i dont remember when i started liking this song.
sec 1?
sec 2?
i think it was around sec 1.
even b4 i shifted to Lor Ah Soo.
heard this song on 93.3
i dont remember why i liked it.
maybe the singing.
maybe the voice.
maybe the lyrics.
i dont recall.

i looked for it.
there was this cassette shop in Upper.
i would ALWAYS buy cassettes from the uncle.
5 dollars, i could remember.
i was in sec 3 back then.
beside the shop, was a bookshop where i always bought manga from.

i asked the uncle to help me find the album.
he couldnt.

Tower Records was around i think.
when i was sec 4.
i passed 50bucks to Hong Leon.
or Leon for short.
he said he would help me order from Tower.
i never heard about it ever since.

i went down to Tower myself many times.
asked the salespeople.
and no one knew who i was talking about.

when HMV came, i was damn happy.
i tried my luck.
and no results.

i do wonder now why i did not try to order.
i guess, its because no one knew about her.
i guess, its because i didnt have the money to buy, to order.

but i never gave up.
i even tried Sembawang.
i even asked the ulu shops.
the old shops.
hoping for a gem.

but there were never any results.

ARMY.
i wont say a lot of things happened in ARMY.
perhaps, a lot did happen.
but only a few i remember.
perhaps, i didnt want to remember.
perhaps...

i think it was 1st year in army?
yeah.
on course in SOS.
started CS.
didnt really like it in the beginning.
but still carried on playing.

3rd time playing CS.
Jackson suggested Shaw Towers, Beach Road.
i went there.
and i was early.
and the best part.
non of them was out.
i was early, and all of them were late for at least 1hr.
they postponed the timing.

lan lan.
walked around.
to my dismay, there was nothing.

walked into the CD shop.
wow.
a lot of collectibles.

the store owner looked gay.
the store asistant looked gay.
even the 2 guys shopping around looked like a couple.

i browsed.
and i decided to ask.

有没有陈冠倩的专辑？
i told myself...
yeah, standard reply.
huh?
and a stunned look.

no.
the owner.
walked over to one of the shelves.
and took it out.

it was my turn to be stunned.
i opened my mouth.
my eyes opened wide.
and i stared in disbelief.

i bought it.
without even thinking of the price.
now, i dont remember the price.
but it was definately more than 25bucks.

sad to say, the album wasnt an orginal.
the record company had losed down.
somehow, the store managed to dubb a few albums from the master copy, as the owner claimed.
the lyrics were like photostated copies.
but i was delighted.
that day, i gained interest in CS.
i killed someone with AK outside the house.
cs_mansion.

of course, the singer cut a 2nd album.
imagine, a 2nd album after 5-6 years.
lolx.
i think there was a reprint.
but i did not care about it any more.

陈冠倩：遗憾

如果我的孤独成为你的包袱
忘了吧不能孤独
如果我的停驻成为你的束缚
忘了吧不再停驻

总是在经验中学习成长在成长中学会面对失望
从伤害中学会不再欺骗自己从绝望中知道不能继续爱你

我的遗憾有的伤感有的嗔痴有的不智
我的遗憾有的你懂有的我再努力你也不能感受
成为另外一种遗憾

如果我的悲哀成为你的痛苦叫自己不再悲哀
如果我的等待你还是不清楚我如何继续等待

a sad song, i must say.

the other all time favourite song, is a chirpy, happy song.

叶树茵 - 爱是甜的

smile is sweet 把微笑送给你让你我一起 smile in peace
love is sweet 让世界更美丽
请再说一次you love me
我最亲爱的就是你

当你对我说我爱你的那一刻天知道我是多么幸福
害羞的我却只会对你摇摇头心里有话也不敢说出口
谢谢你一直如此耐心对待我善良的你我是不会错过
九月的风中飘过来茉莉花香我的心情像一个新娘

hold me tight
smile is sweet 把微笑送给你smile is sweet (for only you and me)
让你我一起smile in peace (and two of us will smile in peace)
love is sweet 让世界更美丽
请再说一次you love me
我最亲爱的就是你

i dont really remember when and how and why i like this song so much.
but it is really really so good.
so happy.
so chirpy.

what is meant to be, will be.
what is yours, is yours.
what is mine, is mine.

been thinking about it for quite sometime.
fortunetelling.
i say X will happen.
does it mean the more you try to prevent X will happen, X will still happen?
does it mean the more you not do anything, X will happen?
does it mean the harder you try to let X happen, it will happen?
what does it mean?

what is yours, was within your grasp.
and you know, what is yours, will be yours.
and you let it go.
and you know it is still yours.
only to regret.
because someone else took it from you.
just because you believe what is yours, is yours.

does it mean you stop and not do anything, and X will happen?
does it mean you work hard, and do a lot, and X will also happen?
and if so, how do you kno what is meant to be yours?
how do you know what is not meant to be yours?

and if u believe that what is meant to be, you stop.
isnt there something as fate?
isnt there something as hope?
isnt there something as belief?
if, everything shows that you will fail, and you believe that you will fail, doesnt that make you a loser?
if, everything shows that you will fail, and you believe that you will succeed, yet you fail.
doesnt that still make you a loser?
if, everything shows that you will fail, and you believe that you will succeed, and you succeed.
doesnt that make you a winner?

its hard to put these to words.
tried chatting to Bernice about it.
yet i couldnt express myself well.
it is kinda confusing.

both lie hand-in-hand.
both are related.
and i chose to address both at the same time.

i chose to be a winner.
i hoped to be a winner.
i wanted to be a winner.
and winner i shall be.

accepting facts.
i am learning.
and they showed me that they cant accept the facts.
yet they showed me facts are meant to be accepted.
i dont get it.
i ponder.
i wonder.
and i never find the answer.
isnt life just fun?

once again, thank you lil miss q.
the dab of optimism really helped.

complain all you want.
i am worse than you.
and you say you are better than me.
and you start complaining again.
so what do you mean?
when you encourage me?
i dont get it.
but i shant bother to get it.
got it?
hahaha
lame joke.
celebrity jeopardy, "tom cruise".

aoi usagi.
beautiful song.
beautiful show.
really really beautiful.
heaven's coins.

now for some vulgarities.
ninabeh chao chee bye.
knn.
trinity blood tio licensed.
knn!

it was never meant to be disclosed.
yet someone managed to guess it.
i think i told someone.
oh well.
so much for not meant to be disclosed.

i have found a world.
that belongs to me.
but it wont be for long.
and i pray that the TP dont take it away from me.

been a long time since i last read other's blogs.
cept mr brown.
i love reading bout his family.
about faith.
about issac.
that aside.

something happened to this blogger called BM.
i would like to address abit.
my own views.
of course.
but i dont remember what i read.
isnt it fun?
forgetting what you did 2 mins ago?

no i did not read it 2 mins ago.

want to talk abit more.
but i dont know how to address the topic.
perhaps, another day, another time.

do you believe in fate?

Long Post...I Think

2005-07-03T21:52:00.000+08:00

The Glass Prison

I. Reflection

cunning, baffling, powerful
been beaten to a pulp
vigorous, irresistable
sick and tired and laid low
dominating, invincible
black-out, loss of control
overwhelming, unquenchable
i'm powerless, have to let go

i can't escape it
it leaves me frail and worn
can no longer take it
senses tattered and torn

hopeless surrender
obsession's got me beat
losing the will to live
admitting complete defeat

fatal descent
spinning around
i've gone too far
to turn back round

desperate attempt
stop the progression
at any length
lift this obsession

crawling to my glass prison
a place were no one knows
my secret lonely world begins

so much safer here
a place where i can go
to forget about my daily sins

life here in my glass prison
a place i once called home
fall in nocturnal bliss again

chasing a long lost friend
i no longer can control
just waiting for this hopelessness to end.

II. Restoration

Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
a shattered glass prison wall behind me
fight - past walking through the ashes
a distant oasis before me

cry - desperate crawling on my knees
begging god to please stop the insanity
help me - i'm trying to believe
stop wallowing in my own self pity

"we've been waiting for you my friend
the writing's been on the wall
all it takes is a little faith
you know you're the same as us all"

help me - i can't break out this prison all alone
save me - i'm drowning and i'm hopeless on my own
heal me - i can't restore my sanity alone

enter the door
desperate
fighting no more
help me restore
to my sanity
at this temple of hope

i need to learn
teach me how
sorrow to burn
help me return
to humanity
i'll be fearless and thorough
to enter this temple of hope

believe
transcend the pain
living the life
humility
opened my eyes
this new odyssey
of rigorous honesty

serenity
i never knew
soundness of mind
helped me to find
courage to change
all the things that i can

"we'll help you perform this miracle
but you must set your past free
you dug the hole, but you can't bury your sole
open your mind and you'll see"

help me - i can't break out this prison all alone
save me - i'm drowning and i'm hopeless on my own
heal me - i can't restore my sanity alone

III. Revelation

way off the distance i saw a door
i tried to open
i tried forcing will all of my will and still
the door wouldn't open

unable to trust in my faith
i turned and walked away
i looked around, felt a chill in the air
took my will and turned it over

the glass prison which once held me is now gone
a long lost fortress
armed only with liberty
and the key of my willingness

fell down on my knees and prayed
"thy will be done"
i turned around, saw a light shining open
the door was wide open.

This Dying Soul

IV. Reflections of Reality(revisited)

hello, mirror - so glad to see you my friend, it's been a while
searching, fearless - where do i begin to heal this wound of self -denial

face yourself man!
breace yourself and trace your hell back

you've been blinded, living lie a one way cold exsitence all the while
now it's time to stare the problem right between the eyes you long lost child

i wanna feel your body breaking
wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
i want to heal your conscience making a change o fix this dying soul

born into this world a broken home
surrounded by love yet all alone
forced into a life that's spilt in two
a mother and a father both pulling you

then you had to deal with loss and death
everybody thinking they know best
coping with this shit at such an age
can only fill a kid with pain and rage

family disease pumped through your blood
never had th echance you thought you could
running all the while with no escape
turning all that pain in to blame and hate

living on your own by twenty one
not a single care and having fun
consuming all the life in front of you
burning out the fuse and smoking the residue

possessive obsessions selfish childsish games
vengeful resentments
passing all the blame
living out a life of decadence
acing without a thought of consequence
spreading all your lies from coast to coast
while spitting on the ones that matter most

running power mad with no control
fighting for the credit they once stole
no one can ever tell you what to do
ruling others' lives while they can;t stand the thought of you

a living reflection seen from miles away
a hopeless affliction having run astray

i wanna feel your body breaking
wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
i want to heal your conscience making a change o fix this dying soul

now that you can see all you have done
it's time to take that step into the kingdom
all your sins will only make you strong
and help you break right through the prison wall

V. Release

come to me my friend (listen to me)
i'll help this torture end (help to set me free)
let your ego go (i can't carry this load)
you can't go through this alone (i feel so hopeless and exposed)
you'll find your peace of mind (give me some direction)
you can no longer hide (break out of this isolation)
let humility (openness, honesty)
and become what you can be (a healing tranquility)

help me
save me
heal me
i can't break out of this prison all alone

these tormenting ghosts of yesterday
will vanish when exposed
you can't hold onto your secrets
they'll only send you back alone

your fearless admissions
will help expel your destructive obsessions
with my help i know you can
be at one with God and man

hear me
believe me
take me
i'm ready to break right through this prison wall

The Root of All Evil
VI. Ready

proud enough for you to call me arrogant
greedy enough to be labelled a thief
angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
cruel enough for me to feel no grief

never could have just a part of it
i always need more to get by
getting right down to the heart of it
the root of all evil has been running my whole life

dirty neough for me to lust
leaving nothing left to ttrust
jealous enough to still feel envious
lazy enough to sleep all day
and let my life just waste waway
selfish enough to make you wait for me

driven blindly by our sins
misled so easily
entirely ready to leave it behind
i'm begging to break free

take all of me
the desires that keep burning deep inside
cast them all away
and help to givem e strength to face another day
i am ready
help me be what i can be

VII. Remove

self-centered fear has got a hold of me
clutching my thrroat
self righteous anger running all through me
ready to explode

procrastination paralyzing me
wanting me dead
these obsessions that kepp haunting me
won't leave my head

help to do for me what i can't do myself
take this fear and pain
i can't break out of this prison all alone
help me break these chains

humility now my only hope
won't you take all of me
heal this dying soul

i can feel my body breaking
i can feel my body breaking
i'm ready to let it all go
i can feel my body shaking
right down to the foundation
the root of it all

take all of me
and the drive that keep burning deep inside
cast it all away
and help to give me strength to face another day
i am ready
help me be what i can be
i am ready
come to me
take me away

fingers quite tired liao.
i actually typed everything.
cheerio.

now i finally realized what all these means.
so, every track has its own meaning
yet when put together, the whole meaning is so different all together
cults.

hello, mirror, so glad to see you my friend, its been a while.

sometimes, the desire burns.
sometimes, the desire dies.
yet, when the desire burns, you are alone.
yet, when the desire dies, you are alone.
and when the desire burns, you arent alone.
and when the desire dies, you arent alone.

i have been told not to mention.
and i will not.
its a promise.
between me, myself, and i.
and the person.
but a chance has been gone.
yet i feel relieved.

lucky kimi raikonnen.
though he's car had problem, he still managed to secure 2nd place.
the gap was just too big.
and even bigger for fernando alonso.

i feel weird.
supporting and disappointment.
yet you believed to begin with.
and you dont feel happy.
weird.

hahahahahaha
SNL is really cool.
"when you are so good looking, you dont even have to be funny to make people laugh"
"because you are so good looking, no one bothers to correct you. meet our special guest, jessica simpson. maia, have you met jessica?
"hi, im ashlee"
"hi im maia"
"oh, you mean you are ashlee?"
"no no its ok you can call me jessica"

roflamo.
hahahaha

finally managed to get the CD.
Octavarium
i listened to the mp3s i downloaded b4 the CD.
and i started to like the songs.

damn.
SNL distracted mi thoughts.

there was this song on my mind...
i think it was The Used.
if not it shld be The Rasmus.
but i cant seem to find the track.
oh well.

hmmm.
the root of all evil.
i thought it was heavy on the glass prison and the dying soul influence.
im not a really musically inclined person.
but after reading the reviews, its a total different from what i thought.
it is a totally new song on its own.
and i think it rocks.

the answer lies within.
its a slow song.
i never liked slow songs.
the first 5 times i the root of all evil finished, i would skip track.
but i love it now.

look around
where do you belong
don't be afraid
you're not the only one

don't let the day go by
don't let it end
don't let a day go by, in doubt
the answer lies within

life is short
so learn from your mistakes
and stand behind
the choices that you make

face each day
with both eyes open wide
and try to give
don't keep it all inside

don't let the day go by
don't let it end
don't let a day go by, in doubt
the answer lies within

you've got the future on your side
you're gonna be fine now
i know whatever you decide
you're gonna shine

don't let the day go by
don't let it end
don't let a day go by, in doubt
you're ready to begin

don't let a day go by, in doubt
the answer lies within.

These walls.
more progressive.
and its nice.

i walk beside you.
quite pop the song.

panic attack.
my personal fave atm.
run
try to hide
overwhelmed by the complex delirium

never enough
scarified sons.
not really sure about these two.
my attention has been caught.
will take time to talk about them some day.

Octavarium.
another 25min masterpiece.
the review i read b4 i listened...i could only remember this phrase.
"dont listen to it expecting A Change Of Seasons"
i didnt.
every album i listenened to i would try to forget about the previous album.
hmmm...sidetrack abit.
i spelt album wrongly, as ablum.
reminded me of an album cover.
analbumcover
anal bum cover.

i dont like the intro.
but in time, i will love it.
but, this is the best track in the whole album.
period.
based on my gut feelings, of course =D

i would like to apologise for the harsh things i said b4.
i really didnt mean it.
but who would accept these apology?

oh Eric, if your reading this, sorry bout friday...
last minute errand.

initial D was nice.
yet disappointing.
and i finally recalled who she was.
thanks to my sis.
mei xue from kindaichi.

5 near accidents over the past 3 days.
SLK yesterday.
cant even drive properly, that dude.
shld have taken down his car number.
oh well.

Tuscani coupe.
HA.
hope its not Shin.
though i dont think so.

one day, when the sun goes down, you go back to your own room.
and you look around.
and you wish.
and you hope.
and you stare at the walls.

hmmm...

the chest.
where the thing put its end.
there was a wound.
the size of a palm.
the shape of a palm.
and it hurt.

alex couldnt believe it.
it was a dream.
yet the wound is here.
he knew something had to be done.

afraid as he was, he knew the first thing to do.
dress the wound.
and he proceeded.
and the wound was gone.
and his chest did not hurt.

did he hallucinate?
did he dream again?
he wasnt sure.

he could feel his heart.
thumping.
thumping.
thumping.
fear.
of the unknown.
fear.
of the thing.
fear.
of what is happening right now.

he called his shrink.
his shrink thought he was hallucinating.
but the shrink did not say that.
he told Alex "you are tired."
go take a rest.
nothing is wrong.
come back again tomorrow.
and we can work things out.
stay calm.
stay relaxed.

Alex went to his room.
the bath was refreshing.
the pain was still in his mind.
he could feel the pain.
he could smell the blood.
he could see the blood.
he could see the wound.
and now its not there.
and now nothing is there.

lying on his bed.
he stared at the ceiling.
thinking.
what happened.
he fell asleep in 2 minutes.

2005-06-30T11:42:00.000+08:00

got a huge surprise.
Dream Theater's album wasnt what i thought it to be....

i thought Train of Thoughts was a story by itself.
i thought Octavarium was a story by itself.

so apparently, one song from each of the album, beginning from six degrees of inner turbulence, was describing 2 steps from the AA.
and there will be 2 steps per album.

AA?
alcoholic anonymous.
12 steps of alcoholic anonymous.

and there were even nuggets/easter eggs!
in morse code.
lol

drifting.
swaying.
drifting.
swaying.
swing.

2005-06-25T09:13:00.000+08:00

deleted something in my last post.

sad, isnt it?

oh well.

now, what did i wanted to say?
erm...

self-centred.
if you do things your own way, you get called that.
if you dont, ppl come and tell you...
take care of yourself first, b4 thinking about others.

so, what do i do?

2005-06-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

wanted to post this last night.
but lao sai 4 times.

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz I'm dreamin' my life away
I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

FADE Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

things are beginning to bottle up.
fear of speaking up.
fear.
why shld i ever fear speaking up?
why?

anyone heard of this genre called dan dung?
or issit the name of the song?
i dont know.

wow.
flood in hong kong.
i think its first time ever.
i wonder how my relatives are.

hmmm...
ok, the start of this post is not something that i wanted to write.

downloaded Dream Theater's newest album.
i am still going to buy the album.

dream theater.
they are a really weird band.

a little history.
i started rock, coz of some manga.
i thought it was cool.
i thought Wu Bai was really really ROCK.
until i saw Shazna.
and i fell in love with Shazna, and JROCK.
i scouted around.
i looked around.
i was attracted to the bass guitar of JROCK.

my cousin was into JROCK b4 me.
but he wasnt attracted to visual.
truth be told, i heard of shazna from him.
i found that it was disgusting when i heard of the comments.
until i watched MTV channel.
taiwan's xia ri ing yue gao feng hui.
summer rock summit.

and i fell in love with shazna.

damn.
off topic.

i asked my cousin about JROCK.
any english, mainstream rock that sounded like JROCK?
i had looked around for a while, but was totally disappointed.
and he said, A Change Of Season, Dream Theater.

i tried.
and i was disappointed.
it sucked.
and the cd was left aside.

that was end of JC.

BMT. proning in tekong.
bored.
the opening of change of season rang in my head.
i couldnt get it off my head.

and for the next 1/2 year, i listened to the song almost everyday, everytime.
whenever i had the chance.

if i can recall.
i actually bought another album.
that was in JC.
when i hadnt liked JROCK.
my friends, those jamming dudes.
all said Dream Theater damn solid.
and i bought one.
AWAKE.
and i didnt like it.
i cant find it even to now.

Scenes From A Memory was phenomenal.
no favourite songs in the album.
y?
the whole album can be considered as one single song.

sidetrack abit.
YEAH! san antonio spurs won.
happy for tim duncan.

i shant list the rest.

why did i talk about Dream Theater?
simple.
Change.
y?

undeniably.
all Dream Theater fans loved YTSE JAM.
A Change Of Seasons.
Metropolis Pt 1.

and when Scenes from a Memory was released, Mike Portnoy said this
"we wanted to come up with an album that was influenced by YTSE JAM and METROPOLIS PT 1."

everyone loved Scenes From A Memory.

sad to say, the next album, Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence was largely disappointing.
up to now, i still dont like it.

the next was Train of Thoughts.
i didnt like it.
i preferred to old Dream Theater.
Train of Thoughts was heavily influenced by 6DOIT.

but i realized one thing.
Dream Theater moved on.
they realized that they ocould not stick to one winning formula.
else they would die off.
but sad to say, no one appreciated it.

the newest, Octavarium.
is heavily influenced by TOT.
damn obvious.
i will wait for the CD to arrive.
and i shall give my verdict.

but.
Dream Theater was right to move on.
ppl are starting to accept TOT.
though deep inside, they still love the old Dream Theater.
me too.

2005-06-24T11:20:00.000+08:00

should i do it?
or should i not?
it isnt the right thing.

instances when one thing seems good.
and the other seems better.
and you do wonder.
which one is the best.

BF2 seems nice.
but i aint tempted.

one chance.
hope i dont screw it up.

i think it was the beer.
gastric flu was ok on tuesday.
and i had diarrhoe 4 times last night.
lucky though.
i still had some medicine.

to be or not to be.

the test seems smooth.

thinking.
it seems so...
i dont know.
i cant seem to find any words properly.
the scenary behind the door.
laying half-ajar.
with one foot in.
can i step out?
and then close the door?
i would like to, yes.

Something I Want To Do

2005-06-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

learn.

absentmindedness.
did i spell it correctly?

i failed myself yesterday.
i think im failing myself today.
no.
i will not allow that.

i forgot what i wanted to say.
once again.

there is a small test i have to face today.
until saturday.
i hope i pass.

hope.
what a funny thing.
i was told not to hope.
yet hope, is the base of humanity.
hope, is the driving force.
hope, is the thing that keeps ppl going.

anything that you can understand from here?

some things not meant to say.
some things not meant to ask.
some things not meant to think about.

some things meant to say.
some things meant to ask.
some things meant to ponder.

alex went into the room.
he looked around.
simple.
just like the movies.
curtains all around.
desk with a pc.
leather seats.
couch in the middle.

"hi alex. im Dr. Matthew. "
like the movies, he lay on the couch.
and the doc sat beside him.

they had a nice chat.
and the session was over.
1 hour.

he came out, paid the fees, and left.
no difference.
he was still the same.
nowwhere to go, he went home.

he always loved his home.
it was his place of everything.
recently, he grew weary.
he was afraid.
of the thing.
yet he still went home.
it gave him strength.
it gave me fear.
it was his place, of everything.

made himself a coffee.
sat down, and watched tv.
and then he realized.
he had not changed.

into the toilet he went.
took of his shirt.
he feared to look at himself.
he feared the weak, helpless look.
and he bypassed it.

undressed, he did.

his toilet was simple.
just a shower.
sink.
toiletbowl.
and the basic washing equipment.

the water flowed from his head to toe.
he felt good.
taking a bath always feels good.

and it was then he felt it.
a sharp pain in his chest.
and he looked down.
and it was red water.

and he rushed to the mirror.
and his mouth gaped open in horror.

2005-06-22T10:44:00.000+08:00

saying the wrong things at times.
yet it differs from people to people.

yesterday was a happy day.
i got 3.
1 seemed ok.

hmmmm.
went to temple.

Lesson in the Toilet

2005-06-21T10:24:00.000+08:00

thank you lil miss q.

are ppl out there happy?
is he happy?
he seems to be clouded with disappointment and troubles and unexplainables.
i thought.
shld i ask him, are you a happy person?
with so much troubles, how are u happy?

and i realized something.

thank you lil miss q.

Nonsense

2005-06-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

utter nonsense.
but here goes.

Congratulations , you are...

Scarlett Ting of joewei.blogspot.com

You are independent, smart and beautiful. Its too bad you don't see that yourself because life's little difficulties brought down a lot of your self confidence. As a result, you talk cryptic and you don't trust people easily. You care a lot for your friends and your loved ones, sometimes even more than you care for yourself, although they don't always seem to appreciate it. Don't let that affect you. As the saying goes, you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. So hang in there, you're a star in the making.

Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?

ok it seems to be working.

fuck. i forgot what i wanted to say again.

爱上你只是我的错

2005-06-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

昨日的梦纷扰依旧
害怕承受太多的伤痛
酒後的我有些寂寞
不知有谁真正在乎我
哦台北夜色依然缤纷闪烁
沉默的我只是匆匆走过
哦心中的话不想再说出口
don't wanna say anymore , oh baby

爱上你只是我的错
爱情是一种无止尽的痛
不愿再为谁等候
不愿让你拆穿我的冷漠
(you led me in oh baby ,
then let me out into my eyes don't tell me lies oh baby understand please give us just one more try)

爱上你只是我的错
爱情是一种无止尽的痛
离开我现在
你就走我宁愿寂寞直到天明
(you led me in oh baby , then let me out into my eyes , don't leave me )

one of my all-time favourite songs.

i finally understand one thing.
and its so difficult.
and i have to try.

something else on my mind.
something bothering.
but i cant remember what.
have you ever had the time,
when something was bothering you, yet u cannot identify whats wrong?
anyone mind sharing their experience?

im juz curious.
been having such feelings recently.
thought i might have a clue to being able to identify whats wrong.
oh well.
lets skip this part.

hmmmm.
oh.
weather sux.

making more sense

2005-06-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

i dozed off with you in front of the mirror.
my fingertips stained a light crimson.

those hands unexpectedly show signs of weakness.
and you pursed your lips.

after that day, i made a promise with you.
now i can no longer remember the two of us and

so, why is it that like the wind and the clouds
i float up to the sky
i dont have wings. why?

like the stars like the moon.
everything is engulfed and sinks into the night.
i dont have wings.

or so i thought.

Welcome to the World

2005-06-20T15:06:00.000+08:00

wanted to post this a few days back.
its been some time since i had a title for the post.

denial and acceptance.
confusion.
completed KOTOR II.
loss.

was called having PMS for the problem.
what more can i say?

i think i know the problem.

sick again.
fuck.
gastric flu this time.
do they not want me to start?
gave me flu last week.
and gave me gastric flu today.
6am...
the pain was so bad i couldnt stand properly.
thank god for the injection.

stopped playing KOL.
laggy.

i hate starhub.
i have to reset the modem at least every 2-3 days.

so many things.

there is something i would like to find out.
really.
i dont see any future to it.
i dont see any possibilities.
doesnt it kinda contradict yourself?

alex walked into the office.
he looked around.
pretty nice place for consultation.
simple, neat, nice.
he took a seat.
and patiently waited for his turn.

he was 15mins early.
he liked to be early.
it gave him a good chance to explore and observe abit.

he thought that the doctor was quite an arts man.
some simple pieces of art.
unlike picasso, these pieces were easier to appreciate.
perhaps, van gogh.

he made himself comfortable.

the thing was in front of him!
right in the clinic.
he was shocked.
didnt the thing only appeared in dreams?
he couldnt react.
he could only open his mouth wide.
and stare into the thing.

the first time he was face to face.
the thing...
black.
long hair.
covered its face.
he couldnt see if it had eyes.
or any other features.
he could see nothing of the thing at all.

its arm slowly reached over.
towards his chest.
his heart.
he didnt know what to do.

he hoped someone would come.
he hoped the nurse would notice.
he looked at the counter.
there was no one there.

he looked around for other patients.
and he remembered.
specialists are on book-only basis.
not open clinic basis.

his face had never been so distorted with fear before.

he felt an ache in his chest.
he looked down.
the thing was in him.
he knew it was his end.

"Mr. Alex Travers...its your turn now."
he startled.
it was his turn.
he looked forward.
nothing.
the thing was gone.

puzzled.
he knew only the doctor could help him.
he stood up.
walked towards the door of the room.
and he did not realize that he was drowned in his own sweat.
and he did not realize that his chest was dripping with blood.

buck tick sang that song!
im surprised.
i never really thought much of buck tick.
they were never visual.
thanks to the song.
i fell in love with it...
found another translation that made more sense.
but the episode didnt make any sense.

thinking.
no...its not about her.
its not because of her.
something...

what is right, what is wrong.
its all based on an individual's perspective.
there are so many possibilities.
yet, you still do not know whats the answer.
things that you think are possible, are actually not possible.
and vice versa.
so what is life?
can you tell me?
why are you able to think of a possibility, and it becomes a reality.
why do you think of a possibility, only to be a dream.
i think i know why.

2005-06-17T11:45:00.000+08:00

sick for 5 days now.
and i have not recovered.
insufficient rest?
maybe...
medication?
unsure.

i wish i had an angel
for one moment of love.
i wish i had your angel
your virgin mary undone
i'm in love with my lust
burning angel wings to dust
i wish i had your angel tonight.
song suddenly came into my head.

how about this one.
this one sounds good.

kagami no mae de
kimi to madoromu
usubeni no yubisaki

sono tewa fui ni
yowasa wo misete
kuchibiru wo fusaida

ano hi
kimi to
yakusoku wo kawashita

ima wa futari
omoi dasezu
oh!

boku wa nase
kaze no you ni
kumo no you ni
ano soara he to ukabu
hanega nai
naze

hoshi no you ni tsuki no you ni
subete tsutsumu
ano yoru he to shizumu
hanega nai
AH!

with you in front of the mirror
i fall into a trance
your light crimson fingers;

your hand suddenly
shows weakness,
sealing my lips.

on that day
we
made a promise.
but now neither of us
can remember it.
OH!

why dont i have wings
to float towards that sky
just like the wind
or like the clouds
why?

why dont i have wings to embrace everything
and sink into the night
or like the stars
ah!

hmm..
this song makes no sense.
but its nice anyways.
hint hint: young priests with long hair and big titties.
abel nightroad.

its weird.
self-righteous.
and suddenly.
said something opposite.
perhaps in a fit of anger.
perhaps unwilling to back down.

something really unexplainable happened.
i was troubled.
and i couldnt understand why.
concentrating on KOTOR II.
and nothing else.
yet there was this burden.
this feeling.
something troubling.
but no reason.
and i really dont know what happened.

and at night.
pool.
my mind blanked out.
scary.

out of ideas for the story.
thats fast.
hmm.
perhaps im sick.
thats y.

2005-06-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

bathing.
thought of something miss q said.

optimism.
hope.
isnt that a thin fine line?

dreamt.
sith lord.
wtf.
like that oso can.

2005-06-16T04:08:00.000+08:00

once again...
down with the sickness.
sigh.
understanding my body.
falling sick often.
messages from body?
at least 3 times since dengue scare.

the beginning of the understanding.
what eric writes.
its scary.
im growing up.

KOTOR II is killing me.
hooked to it.
even when sick.
jedi double bladed lightsabre.
dark side, prestige class sith lord.
wow.
KILL, force lightning, drain field.
so power, i feel.
juz finished playing.

antibiotics no more.
but sorethroat still there.
heaty.
throat itchy.
blah blah blah.

part of the story didnt come up.
i thought i wrote something.
or perhaps i didnt.

alex woke up.
in his room.
breathing heavily.

nightmares for the past few weeks.
he couldnt understand why.

investor, he was.
helped clients to invest.

particular client.
coward.
afraid to invest.
didnt know what he wanted.
bothered alex.

just got reprimanded by his boss.
and the client called.
to bother him.
anger.
he told the client information.
true.
and made the client think.

alex never knew what happened.
but one day, the client was no more.
the client.
had acted against his information.
went bankrupt.
went bonkers.
and his client was no more.

guilt.
nothing but guilt.
perhaps its the reasons.
he didnt know.

he hoped that someone would console him.
but they never came.

his nightmare.
was his guilt.
the thing.
nothing but guilt.
he needed to do something.
he needed to find something.
he needed...
so many things.

he paced rapidly around his room.
hoping to get tired.
hoping to fall asleep again.
but his heart raced nonstop.
he couldnt.

the adrenaline from the nightmare was stopping him from resting.

he had to do something.
but what?

he decided.
talk to a few people.
his boss.
psychiatrist.
doctor.
anyone.
who could stop all these nightmare.

2005-06-12T04:21:00.000+08:00

alex swam up.
climbed ashore.
wet.
but relieved.

looked around.
trees.
flowers.
lots of green.
birds.
rabbits.
harmless animals.

he was into paradise.

he wondered what happened.

and the thing was behind him.
he let out a scream.
he turned around to face his nemesis.
but he still couldnt see it.
it was there.
right in front of him.
he knew it.
but he couldnt see it.

without further thinking, his right hand flew up.
right hook, aiming for the chin of a normal being.
nothing.
his punch reaped nothing.
startled.
he knew it was there.
the thing was there.
but he couldnt see it.
but he couldnt feel it.

he fell backwards.
it wasnt him.
he wasnt running.
he was too shocked to move.
but he fell backwards.
and he knew.
it was the thing.

he looked around for help.
cold, hard stone replied him.
what happened to the paradise?
was it a facade?
he had no time for questions.
he had no time for answers.
he had to do something.

he thought hard.
he saw blood.
his leg was in front of him.
he tried to shout.
he tried to scream.

he saw his brain.
it was meshed.

he saw his brain.

whats the point?

politics.

issit because of his looks?

pool junction.
i wonder.

christianity.
taoism.
buddhism.
love.
belief.
fear.
what is true, what is not?
what bout catholicism?
erm....is that a correct word?

wrong timing.
but its there.
decisions.

octavarium.
that reminds me.
better check it out.

which date of july?
i forgot to ask.
anyone tell me?
i doubt so.
i shall ask.

bad news, good news.
why, because.
thoughts, actions.
complex, simple.

why?

i died in my dreams.
whats that supposed to mean.
got lost in the fire.
i died in my dreams.
reaching out for your hand.
my fatal desire.

i dunno why.
but i really like this song.
there isnt much meaning to it.
but its so touching.

yawn.

2005-06-12T03:19:00.000+08:00

wang li hong's song.

我從來沒想過
我會這樣做
從來沒愛過所以愛錯 (從來沒有愛過那麼認真)
我從哪裡起飛
從哪裡降落
多少不能原諒的錯
卻不能重來過
我從來沒想過
我會這樣做
從來沒愛過
所以愛錯
我從哪裡起飛
從哪裡降落
多少不能原諒的錯
請妳原諒我的愛錯

running down the street.
alex turned to his right.
ran down.
and met with a cross junction.
he couldnt stop.
someone was after him.

he looked back.
it was blocked.
he looked left.
it was a dead end.
he looked right.
it was a cliff.

he stood there.
pondering.
the thing was coming nearer.
and nearer.

he heard himself say
"this time, im done for."
he turned around to face the thing.
but he couldnt see it.
he could feel it.
he could hear it breath.
he could hear its footsteps.
the thing was there.
but he couldnt see it.

he turned around.
he had to decide.
quick.
he had no time.
left.
or right.
dead end,
or down the cliff.

and then...
he made his decision.
he turned to his right.
and he ran.
ran towards the cliff.
and jumped.

2005-06-11T01:20:00.000+08:00

2 extreme suggestions.
both are equally correct.
which one shld i choose?

i really dont want to think any more.

2005-06-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

it was so easy.
schooling.
playing.
nuaing.

2005-06-10T10:53:00.000+08:00

i dreamt that i lost my previous post.

i dreamt.....
funny.

2005-06-10T01:02:00.000+08:00

calming down.
overreacting.
calming down.
overreacting.
calming down.

muz be the steamboat clams at thien kee.

weird dream.
unknown block, 166. alpha romeo 166?
blk 149 became blk 187.
maybe i shld buy 4D.

it hurts.
my shin.
i think there is something wrong.

my skull.
hurts too.
sometimes it does.
sometimes it doesnt.

finally found this quote.
"A Ferrari is a scaled down version of god while a Porsche is a hopped up VW beetle"~Jeremy Clarkson

torn between 2 sides.
its really so hard.
issit just me?
that im too emotional?

y save face?
y bother to save face?
they aint in the wrong.
why still insist that they are wrong?

what can i do?
quit them?
and join the other side?
i would like to.

wow.
the matter was blown so big.
im surprised.

they promised me something different.
sigh.
am i so guillible?

and i cant even protect my friends.
how helpless?
im glad though...
they are mature enough.

i am putting a stop to all these pointless activities.
friends, yes.
thats about it.

im still sad that i cant protect them.

whats next?
hmmm.
oh.
whats the point?
=)

thrashing it out.

was playing games.
and lagging.
didnt realize anything was wrong.
until i started to play DOD.

apparently my cousin has been using Bitcomet more than i thought.
no wonder so much of my gaming has been lagging and screwed up.
i must tell her to stop totally when i wanna play games.
not even a bit of uploading nor downloading allowed.
coz it will really really screw my games.

and i HATE to be disturbed when playing games!

2005-06-07T08:13:00.000+08:00

courage.
i need it.

2005-06-07T08:09:00.000+08:00

messaged the wrong person.
fuck.

i dunno.

2005-06-07T01:13:00.000+08:00

messaged zoe and si chuan.
zoe i understand.

even si chuan?

no one cares about me any more.

2005-06-07T00:46:00.000+08:00

i dunno whether to be happy or sad with my results.

imperfect perfectionist.

sigh.

i dont believe this.

2005-06-05T11:36:00.000+08:00

raul wants to go to liverpool.
omfg.
no way!

i never learn, do i?

2005-06-05T11:32:00.000+08:00

yesterday
a dream that was never meant to be.

today.
another dream that im worried about.

dreams.

i wonder how are they.

i never learn, do i?

Believe

2005-06-04T02:32:00.000+08:00

y doesnt anyone believe me?
they aint cheating.

dude.
avoid her.
thats the least u can do.
give me a call or something.

Friends?

2005-06-04T02:31:00.000+08:00

after what Bernice has been reminding me.
after what i can remember.
can we still be friends?

Something Is Wrong

2005-06-03T02:07:00.000+08:00

something is wrong.

gd luck.

Relinquishing

2005-06-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

relinquishing.

good name.
not so good name.

worried.

future?
blockage?
stoppage?
inability to move forward?

What Should I Write Today?

2005-06-01T02:43:00.000+08:00

what should i write today?

Kingdom of Loathing

2005-05-31T02:05:00.000+08:00

Seal Clubber
Turtle Tamer
Pastamancer
Sauceror
Accordian Thief
Disco Bandit

so hooked to it.
40 adventures per day.
managed to chalk up to 86.
even more than my first day.

stick figures.
awkward descriptions.
enjoyable.
waiting for trivias.
but most of the time i lose.

lost 4k meat.
got to earn them back.
least i know how rafflebot works.

Filthy Corduroys:
This is a pair of filthy corduroys.
They're filthy because they came from the wardrobe of a filthy, filthy hippy.

The Accordion Thief:
The scourge of mariachis and polka bands, the Accordion Thieves have plied their malign craft since time out of mind.
Their Moxie serves them well in both their adventures and their interactions with "the ladies."

made some hell ramen, and passed them to crypt.
really have to thank him for helping me.
not sure if i shld thank him for introducing me to this game though.
poor crypt.
sigh.

dream theater's new album better come out soon.
im tired of train of thoughts.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

2005-05-31T02:01:00.000+08:00

i saw my image today.
finally understood what my friend meant.
and im not sure about my stand.
i thought i would leave.
but i think again.
and i see my image.

"the idea of a blog is fucking stupid"

i have to agree.

i thought, i think, i will be thinking.

Starhub Sux

2005-05-30T10:05:00.000+08:00

recent 2 weeks have gave me this conclusion.
especially over the weekends.

psycho.
obsessive freak.
crazy.
perverse.

everything is still about her.
dreamt of her 3 - 4 times last week.
and i know the reason why i remember those dreams.

i believe i dream of the same thing over and over again.
just that i didnt wake up to remember.

just let it be.

yes, im still here.
i didnt want to face anything.
i really didnt want to.
i didnt even read my friends' blogs.
i didnt even log on to msn.
i cant face them.
i dont know what im doing.
but i know, sooner or later, i have to do it.
unless i do the stupidest thing in the world.
and that would make me waste another 6 months.

a group of people have changed.
and they werent the same any more.
and someone was quite unhappy.

yes, i noticed it too.
but didnt come across my mind.
i guess, i usually accept things for they are.
except *ahem ahem*.

i tried so hard to be myself again.
but i know, i can never be myself again.

fuck.
why did i go look at her friendster?
i mean, i shldnt be looking at all.
least i know, the depression feeling didnt sting me for the time being.

i really wonder, who is right and who is wrong.
all these while, i have thought that they were right.
until she had to tell me that the things they said were bullshit.
i have to agree to some extent though.
yet he told me that she was self-righteous.
and he was right too.
what the hell.

and now i have to be careful of what i hear.
i really cant be myself any more.
i miss the thinking-of-nothing-but-games-and-basketball days.

www.kingdomofloathing.com

im a pastamancer in game.
stoolie.
please join.
its fun.
message me ingame.
and perhaps i might be able to pass u some stuff.
hopefully anyone interested would choose to be a sauceror.
no worries, it is addictive, but only 40turns per day.
oh, perhaps 80 turns when u just registered ur character.

hmmm...
maybe i shld just leave as it is here.
i have much more to say.
but, whats the point?

2005-05-19T14:49:00.000+08:00

Bitcomet screws up my internet connection.
i try to be considerate and not use it when someone is around, or when someone is awake.
sigh.

2005-05-15T13:37:00.000+08:00

Why is Kang Wei still doing these when i told him that he is not supposed to?
I see that he isnt enjoying it at all.
but why is he still doing it?

Why am I Doing These

2005-05-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

why am i doing these?
why am i still doing it despite being guilty?

i feel that i have been blocked.

2005-05-11T23:08:00.001+08:00

how is Kang Wei?
i wonder if he is ok?

2005-05-11T23:08:00.000+08:00

so many things i wanna say.
but who can i talk to?

myself.

Skirt

2005-05-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

saw an ah lian wearing this skirt.
same colour, same design, same length as hers.

what if, one day, the girl i like is in trouble.
and i cant go out of the house.

???

2005-05-10T13:18:00.000+08:00

what can i do now?
i cant be myself any more.

Her

2005-05-10T01:06:00.000+08:00

i like her, not obsessed, for now.
where have they gone to?

Fuck

2005-05-09T11:59:00.000+08:00

Fuck love.
Fuck relationships.
Fuck.

If..

2005-05-09T02:04:00.000+08:00

i know i screwed myself up.
if she didnt do that, would things have happened this way?

Here

2005-05-08T16:41:00.001+08:00

yes, im around.
im confused.

What Gender is My Brain?

2005-05-04T23:17:00.000+08:00

this is supposed to be part of the Die~~~ post.
but something was wrong with the html coding.
and i couldnt do anything to debug it.

i have to do it manually now.

Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67%

Male Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!
What Gender Is Your Brain?

im an ah gua.

gu niang.

hahahahaha.

I Think...

2005-05-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

i think im still obsessed with Zoe.
i think i can pass the past 3 papers.
i think i am screwed for the next paper.
i think i only finished 2 chapters up till now.
i think i am going to sleep at 12.
i think i will wake up at 7.
i think i will go to school for breakfast.
i think i will study.
i think i will run away after the paper tomorrow.
i think i will...

i think i will ask Bernice about it b4 i do it.
i think she will dissuade.
i think she will scold.
i think i will still do it.

Question

2005-05-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

i start to question:
can i still like her?
can we still be friends if i still carry a torch for her?
or do i really have to give up these feelings b4 i can be friends again?

Die~~~

2005-05-04T18:15:00.000+08:00

Saint Seiya anime sux.
its so slow.
the manga is one of my favourites though.

天马流星拳!!!

i didnt study.
going to now.
i better.
im screwed.

gd luck to me.

thinking of Zoe.
i guess, the obsession is gone.
perhaps, temporary.

as much as Bernice said i shldnt, i wanted to.

hmmmm...
sped at Sengkang last night.
Boon feeling down from the break-up.
im happy for him.
he needs time.

the speeding was crap.
i forgot to change to D mode.
and the engine was reving at 5000+ and not changing gear.
i was really damn gan jiong.
until i realized i forgot to change gear.

BAH!

Loser

2005-05-02T23:23:00.000+08:00

thanks Bernice.
im a huge mega loser.

anxiety setting in.
panicking.
need car.
dunno y i blogging.

gd luck to me.
gd luck to her.
gd luck to Bernice.
gd luck to SIM dudes.

i am so worried for my paper tml and for my marketing paper.
or maybe im just worried that i cant finish and leave earlier.

Reverting

2005-05-02T01:47:00.000+08:00

Reverting.

Mom

2005-05-01T11:57:00.000+08:00

i love my mom.
she is the best in the world.

yes, im obsessed.
=D

Mom

2005-05-01T01:52:00.000+08:00

i hate my mom.
i blame her.
yes, i do.
i try not to.
but after what happened, i blame her.

i wonder what Zoe is doing now.

Beliefs

2005-04-30T19:00:00.000+08:00

did you always knew?

no no no. i didnt know. i believed.

once again, i nearly got into an accident.
and its not my fault at all.
i right turned to the leftmost lane.
the car was at the giveway lane.
i knew the dude was moving slowly.
i expected it to stop.
it didnt.
i jammed brake and horned.

not even a signal of apology from the driver.

Missing You

2005-04-30T12:49:00.000+08:00

i miss Zoe.

Names

2005-04-29T17:04:00.000+08:00

of all names, the exam paper had to put Zoe's name as one of the questions' manufacturer.
Zoe XXX...
cant remember the last.
only remember her name.

Wrong Mix

2005-04-29T02:18:00.000+08:00

Crabs, and allergy dont mix.
DOD and thinking of her dont mix.

Bernice said something.
that i accepted.
and i knew what i had to do.

Dream Yet Again

2005-04-28T08:04:00.000+08:00

i really have to make this fast.
going to type as fast as possible.

its really "wonders" how just one cup can make me get rashes.
i always thought my limit was 3 cups b4 i got rashes.
well, the amount was about 2 cups, and i downed it just like that.
the rashes on my butt and my arm.
luckily it isnt really that bad.

i dreamt of her again.
in my dream i just wanted to meet her.
and i asked her out for a meal.
and she obliged.
the whole meal was totally quiet.
no conversation no nothing.
i just wanted to see her, wanted to be with her.
and the feeling still holds till now.
even after i woke up.
after the meal, i thanked her.
for being so "forgiving" for my selfishness.
for agreeing to come out even though she knew that we wont talk.
for agreeing to come out even though nothing would change.
i really like her....sigh....

y cant i treat her like Bernice?
y cant i treat her like Caecilia?
y cant i treat her like Su-Ann?
y cant i treat her like Daphne?
y cant i treat her like anyone else?
y?
y am i making myself so miserable?
y do i still think about it when i am not supposed to?
y do i still think about all these thoughts that make me miserable?
y did i think about the start of all this shit, the memory that will never go away from my mind, when i was in the toilet this morning?

oh...
i was really high.
stupid 2 posts.
with the effect of the alcohol gone, those 2 thoughts from the previous posts arent even in my mind....
i really overestimated myself.

LaLaLa

2005-04-28T02:14:00.000+08:00

my shoulder still hurts.

i want to smoke.

why is no one chatting with me on MSN?

headache.
giddy.

Hello?

2005-04-28T01:28:00.000+08:00

hello? anyone reading?

One Cup

2005-04-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

it all started with my usual training.
and i pespired in my air-con room.
and i remembered what i wanted to do for weeks.

i got one full cup.
and i downed it.

instant headache.
plus the headbanging.
i cant sit straight.
swaying from left to right.

she was online just now.
wanted to talk.
but didnt dare.
logged off immediately.

i need to pespire more.
i want to get out of this.

I LOVE YOU ZOE!

Sian

2005-04-27T23:12:00.000+08:00

she's online.
listening to john cena...
my fave wrestler ^_^

i wanted to talk to her...
but...
its better that i log off.

i think its better.
yes.

hows ur mab?
i think its quite hard, and i know u are most worried about MAB.
really hope that its was ok for you.

i want to talk to her.
but i shant.
because i know.
if i do it, i will crumble again.
sigh.

i really want to stop all these.
i really want to.
yet i still think that i am not going to give up this feeling for her.

what am i thinking?!?!?

Misery

2005-04-27T18:39:00.000+08:00

read Da Jie Da's blog...
and she mentioned that Eric was complaining about lack of reading materials.
...

i was totally confused the whole day.
i dont know man...
i think im back into depression again.
i can feel the misery.
and the thoughts.

took bus to school.
first 62 was crowded.
managed to squeeze into the 2nd 62, but was stuck at the front of the bus.
3 stops later, i managed to walk 2 steps in.
and i saw the top of of a face, whom i thought was familiar.
yes, the girl...
my dream girl.
Celeste Tan Shai Yin.
the girl whom i thought was the most beautiful lady in the world before i started liking Zoe, b4 i started to notice who Xiao Xiao, the singer, was.

i couldnt confirm.
but i knew it had to be her.
she was the only person with such a characteristic headshape and features.

and my thoughts intertwined between her and Zoe.

a few more stops, and i lost sight of her.
i thought she had alighted.
i was thinking, Edwin told me that he spotted her around his house before...
how come she alight so early?
tried looking around for people who were seated, but i couldnt find her.

alighted, only to find that she was sitting just beside the exit.
BAH!
no choice...

it was only 9am...and i waited for the next bus, 151, at macpherson.
on the bus, i studied.
listened to music.
and studied.

reached school, had eggs.
and went to one corner to study.

i couldnt get anything into my mind.
thoughs drifting in and out.
out and in.
in and out.
non-stop.
from her, to Eric, to Say Chuan, to Aaron, to her, to her, and to her.

i messaged Bernice for some help...and got scolded.
of course, i needed that scolding, for motivation.

went into the exam hall with 15mins to spare.
took off my specs, so as to not be able to see anything.
wore it, when the invigilator started to talk.
and she came in.
fuck.

the paper was crap.
7 questions.
i did 2 wrong.
the other 2 im not sure.
least i had 3 correct.
i reckon i'll get a Pass.

i left the moment i finished.
35mins from time.
i couldnt take it.

on the bus, thought and thought and thought.
its so scary.
how my motivation, how my supports, how my beliefs...
all crumble at the sight of her.
on top of that, i dont think i did well for the paper.
and i was quite disturbed by it.
its really scary.
how one moment, i was ok, and the next moment, i crumble.
i really crumbled.

i thought about her.
i thought about how i was never meant for her.
i thought about how she will never like me.
i thought about the paper that i screwed up.
i thought about things that made me indulge in self-misery.
and for one split moment, i felt like dying, to end it all.
and i brushed that thought away the very next moment.

and i thought...
i never knew falling in love was so miserable.
i want to enjoy.
i guess, i can never be the same old me again.
the one where i didnt care about anything.
the one where something would be stuck in my heart for a few days, only to be forgotten totally.

i dont want this feeling.
while feeling miserable, i just wanted this feeling to go away.
i just hated that feeling.
i really dont want it!

啊给我一杯忘情水
换我一夜不流泪
所有真心真意
任它雨打风吹
付出的爱收不回
啊给我一杯忘情水
换我一生不伤悲
就算我会喝醉
就算我会心碎
不会看见我流泪

i dont want this feeling.
misery, please go away!

i think, im back to square one.
where friends dont really bother that much about me.
where i just go home and hide in my own shell..
the difference, is that i have this scar.
this misery.
this feeling that i dont want.

i really dont know what to do.
i know everything...
yet when the D feeling comes, everything just crumbles.
and i would need someone to help me.
someone to remind me again.

i am sick.
i am tired.
i am so sick and tired of everything.

sidetrack abit.
Oprah primetime, day for mothers.
why? why only mothers?
why not fathers?
sigh.

i really like Zoe.
i like her.
until a state of obsession...

I Wonder

2005-04-27T07:57:00.000+08:00

yes, i shldnt be thinking of this right now.

how does it really feel, be love, and to loved, by a non-family person?
i really wonder.

PS. dont read this part.
its disgusting.

my shit looked like smooth chocolate milkshake!
omfg!
i wonder what happened...
going to bath and school.
gd luck to me.
really.
i need it.

Drops Of Jupiter

2005-04-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

Bernice said she loved that line.
me too.
its damn meaningful.

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

gd luck tml.
2 more modules to go.
plus a shitload of memorizing work.
BAH!
i can do it.

Worried

2005-04-26T21:58:00.000+08:00

im worried about my exams.
finally.
but not that worried.
i dont know.
im quite confused right now.

went to NUS with Bernice again.
tried to study for the 1st half of the time.
but i couldnt get anything in.
i just thought of Zoe, and nothing else.

i was thinking about it again.
about how i coudlnt concenctrate on the paper.
on how i was thinking of her rather than my paper.
and it worries me.
i have lost the ability to think further.
i have lost the only ability that keeps me going during my exams.

Fairoez Fairoez Fairoez...
i dunno what to say to him.
he is like what i was.
or shld i say, what i still am.
unable to maintain self-control.
i guess, we have to do it one way or another soon.

just messaged her good luck, and she replied.
im kinda surprised.
coz of the 3 msgs, she only replied this once.
and i replied, woah, u replied. im surprised.
hahahahaha.

i have no confidence for the paper tml.
nothing gets into my head.

Eric seems funny.
perhaps he is studying now.
oh well....
i hope my "pattern" yesterday didnt really give him that bad an impression.

i need to study more.
and get the things into my head.

Bernice somehow got rashes...from where none of us know.
hope she is alright.
i did tell her though, that im worried i might start falling for her too, to escape from reality.
she was like...yeah i will scold u all over =D.
oh well..
wish that everything is well at home since her mom and sister are home now.

i somehow do not really know what to say.
i mean...i had some things on my mind.
though i have already stated the main thing.
that i am unable to think or concentrate...
sigh.

One Down

2005-04-25T17:44:00.000+08:00

one paper down.
i went there, with knowledge of the following chapters.

1. Intro, PPC.
2. Supply and Demand, Labour.
3. GDP, unemployment.
4. AE, AD.
5. Money Market
6. Monetary policies.

and i had to answer 5 questions of the 10.

while walking up the stairs, i saw Eric and Qi Yun.
i contemplated on going over to talk to them.
i wanted to stay at one corner and hide or something.
but i told myself, im ok.
i smiled.
and i walked over.

everyone seemed ok.
though i tried asking Eric a question, he gave me his usually reply of NO!.
well, i diverted abit, and he kinda got pissed off.
im not sure...but feels like everyone is ok.

i kept these thoughts to myself.
i was wondering where she was.
how come she wasnt here yet.
Say Chuan didnt give her a lift?

the moment they asked us to go in, i went.
i wanted to go in with the other guys, but i couldnt find them.
i think they went to the toilet.
well, regardless of whether they asked me or not, i wouldnt have gone.
i took a 10+seconde leak before i met up with them.
yeah...
the bus ride made me hold back for least 45mins.

while waiting, i could only think about where she was.
would she be on time?
or something happened to her?
i wasnt sure.
but when she came, my mind was filled totally about her.
no one else, but her.

i couldnt really concentrate on the paper.
i couldnt answer 2 questions.
least, i managed to get 5 questions that i thought i might be able to do.
i worked hard on these questions.
but i knew, my mind wasnt functioning properly.
i was bothered.
unlike previous times, when i didnt prepare enough, i would have racked my brains, turned it inside out, just to think of something to write.
and if i felt that it was sufficient, i would turn it outside in to elaborate the answers.

this time, i couldnt.
i was bothered.
so i jsut did 5 questions.
i answered everything, without much thinking.
and the moment i finished, i left.
i had 30mins left on the clock.

i was the first to leave.
along with someone else not from BBBA.
i think, i was the only one from BBBA to leave.
but im not sure, coz i didnt stay any longer.
i just went home.

the bus ride was ok, saw this gal with very beautiful eyes, but that was about it.
stopped at Lor Ah Soo.
oh that reminds me.
i actually took the correct bus, but from the wrong side when i was going to school..
took 62, towards Hougang, when i shld be taking the other direction and stopping at Macpherson.
nevertheless, it was ok.
i managed to find my way to school.

wanted to have lunch, but didnt know what to eat.
went to buy ToTo, and bumped into Chester, who was having his IA just opposite.

went home with 2 breads from the bakery.
went gym.

blyss left when i just went in.
muahahaha.
hurt my shoulder while doing shoulder press.
the whole weight training session lasted only 30mins.
but i opted for a jog.
well, my main aim was to use the threadmill.
couldnt do 2.4 in 12mins.
i have to train.

went home, and spoke to Bernice the whole journey back.
yeah, i do understand how she feels, though to what extent im not sure myself.
but im pretty sure her next few days aint going to be happy.
when her ultra-hated sis is moving back to her home.

nothing much to say...
hahaha.
its kinda funny when i have nothing to say.
oh...
chatting with Fairoez now.
he lacks self control.
he needs it badly.
im worried he turns out to be the same as me, screwing everyone else up.
but i doubt he will.
meanwhile, all i can do is to really try to help him.
im not sure to what extent i can help, be i will try to.

gd luck, my friend.